I can't say goodbye
by Herrera
Summary: After an argument with Mac, Stella leaves New York without saying goodbye. She simply disappears. What happens now?
1. Chapter 1

The main characters are not mine, they belong to CSI NY and its creators. I only do this writing for fun, I don't earn anything from it (I'd wish) .

And... Thank you very much to MzBonasera for helping me with the translation. English is only my third language, so I beg you to forgive my mistakes. Please.

**"I can't say goodbye"**

Chapter 1

The two parallel alignments of street trees on each of the sidewalks provided a filtered shade that protected from the late spring sun with their still young and light green leaves. The rows of almost identical houses gave a feeling of order, their dark brick facades with windows and doors framed by stone blocks sometimes finely sculpted with garlands of flowers and other motifs. It was practically the center of New York and yet it was a quiet neighborhood, you had the feeling of being able to rise properly your children in this environment. Just at the end of the street you could look across the East River and see the overwhelming presence of the Manhattan skyscrapers.

Stella remembered the early days of service in the NYPD and her rounds through these streets as a beginner. She was lucky in her first assignment, nothing ever happened in this neighborhood. She had the time to get used to her work, the weapon, the patrolling on foot and by car... She always thought that if she ever had a family this would be the kind of place she would like to settle. See... dreaming is free, she thought. Because already at that time the housing prices here were far above what an orphan girl, fresh from the Police Academy and without other resources than her salary, could afford.

She was going to cross the street when the door of the house she was heading opened. She stopped and saw Mac's back, talking to someone who was inside. He was carrying a large bag over his shoulder, and when he turned to the street Stella could see the precious cargo he carried in his other arm. It was a baby of about ten months, plump and bald, who insisted on playing with the nose of the one who no doubt was his father. No doubt... the same white skin, blue eyes and round cheeks, whole shape of beautiful boyish face just like Mac's

The little bald grab his daddy by both ears while they descended the steps to the sidewalk and Mac opened the door of a family van parked in front. Stella had been standing, staring, saying nothing. Mac put the bag into the car, sat the baby in the booster seat, and proceeded to put his belt on. The front door stood open, and suddenly she appeared. She held another big bag. Mac hurried up the stairs and took it from her hands. When he moved the bag from her, Stella was able to see her figure. She was about six months pregnant. Mac took her hand in his while they went down to the car. Before she entered, he bowed over her in a quick kiss and she smiled happily. Happy, yes, a beautiful smile on a completely happy face... Aubrey's face.

Stella awoke suddenly, sitting on her bed like a spring. She was sweating. She threw her hands to her forehead, pushing her hair back in a ponytail. It had been so real... She dropped back again, and suddenly felt the tears running from the corners of the eyes towards her temples.

"This is what I have", she thought, "Stay here to see how everyone is going to form a family, while I..." Tears were now increasing profusely. What she had seen in the dream was what she had always believed her life would be, during all the years she had been secretly in love with her partner, her friend, her boss. But time was showing that this man wasn't going to be more than that: her partner, her friend, her boss. Her desire to make a home, the family she

had always dreamt about... it seemed to disappear as fast as the time went by, and, she suddenly remembered, she was turning thirty-five today. She was getting too old to have children, and her dream candidate to be the father didn't show a single move in the right direction. Yes, it had been too long. Stella wanted more; she wanted to belong to something greater than herself, she wanted to build something with the man she loved. But it was pretty clear he did not want the same thing, not with her, at least. Last year, when Mac had followed her to Greece to bring her back home, Stella had thought that finally her dreams would come true. Heck, you don't travel across the world to go looking for a colleague. You don't travel half the world to order a subordinate to come back to his post... You don't smile and nod when a woman says she is "the woman in your life" reading the coffee grounds if you don't think about having something more than friendship with her. And then, after that, everything became... nothing.

Sure, Angell's death hit them all, to the point of the obsession for catching the murderer, in Mac's case. That made him to withdraw into himself in a way that the previous weeks in Greece became just a beautiful memory, a weakness that the big Mac Taylor would no longer afford.

Simultaneously, Stella committed one of the biggest mistakes of her life, her affair with Adam... Tears revived with this thought, and the damn consequences of that adventure... Until the day before she had believed that Mac didn't known about it... Now the sobs took over her body with all strength, remembering the fight she had with Mac, and how they had reproached each other all the worst things... Stella had always thought it was better to talk things openly, but she began to doubt that the measure would be effective if done in the tone they did. Their fight had only showed yesterday how they had grown apart. They couldn't be the same any more. Anger and bitterness had now settled among them; the hurtful accusations had replaced the affection of the past. That permanent joked tone that they used in private life, that faithful trust they had always shared... "It's over", Stella thought. Remembering her dream, she returned to her first thought "Is that what I have left? Stay here and see how he builds a life with another woman, see him being happy with her, and having the children that should have been mine...?"

The light gray envelope was in her bedside table, reminding Stella that she had now a way of escape. Two years ago, even a year earlier, she would not even read through the details of the documents it contained, and much less she wouldn't consider it a real possibility... She would just have felt flattered for being nominated for such interesting job. But now... It was now or never, she thought. Wiping the tears, she turned to take the documents, stamped with the logo of the U.S Department of State.

Mac awoke, frightened. He had been dreaming... Angell's death again. But tonight, when he had run to the place where the woman laid bleeding practically to death, it wasn't Jessica Angell's face, but the more precious face to him among all he knew, this time it was Stella's face.

He was sitting in bed, practically jumping in shock after have seen in his dream those marvelous green eyes that almost said goodbye to life gazing him. His own cry "Stella, no!" had awoken him. Stella Bonasera... the most extraordinary woman in the world to him. The woman that, suddenly, he didn't know how to deal with. All those years of friendship and shared complicity suddenly seemed to have vanished, faded, died out. The discussion they had had brought up the worst from each of them. Mac ran a hand over his sweaty forehead. He had to fix it, but how...?

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Finally it all seems to be settled (see below), I can continue… So, go to the next chapter, it's already posted!

* * *

><p>I sincerely apologize for the delay with the continuation of this story. I think I won't be able to continue by now, until I had again someone to revise my texts in English. I lost contact with the first person I asked and I'm not certain I could publish regularly, as I would like.<p>

I was unwise to start posting when I had just the first chapter done, but I didn't thought there would be problems. If I were more self-confident of my English I could publish the chapters I have already translated, but surely there will be many mistakes and I prefer do it correctly.

And then, if there is some volunteer to help me I would accept with pleasure.

If I can solve the difficulties I will continue with the story, but I can not say when.

Herrera


	3. Chapter 3

Well, finally... Here we are, with the following chapter. I did it with the invaluable assistance of Lily Moonlight (she has a "touch" that make the text looking much better), and now I think I could continue posting regularly.

Thank you all for your patience.

_I Can't Say Goodbye_

**Chapter 2**

Mac looked at the clock on his bedside table. It was too early, even for him. But he knew he would not get to sleep again, so he got up. He went to the kitchen and made coffee. He couldn't stop thinking about the dream he had had, which showed his most hidden fears. What if Stella was ever seriously injured in a mission? And what if she died, just like Aiden, or Jessica? He couldn't stand it, he could not. In addition, Stella seemed to do nothing to avert danger. Their discussion of the previous day had begun just because of that.

In the morning, going to a crime scene, Stella had seen a robber running away from a store. Without thinking twice, without calling for reinforcements, she had left the car and had followed him to the alley where the offender had fled. He had stopped, turned, and he had fired at her. He had shot at her! He could have had better aim, he could have reached her, and a scene like in his dream would have been real... Stella had also fired at him, hitting him in the leg, which prevented him from running. Finding himself wounded, the robber had thrown the gun and she had handcuffed him and taken him to hospital, and after that to the police station. In the store, the robber had beaten the owner with the gun, but his wound wasn't serious. The man had thanked Stella profusely for having taken that rat off the streets.

But Mac had thrown the book at her. For failing to report before acting, for not calling in reinforcements and for exposing herself to a real hazard, since she had been fired at. Mac hadn't found funny the joke she had made; _"But I saw the bullet coming and I'm faster, I stepped out of its way..."_ quite the contrary. She wasn't yet aware of the danger she had faced and she wasn't even a bit sorry.

_"Don't you realize that though the end of this story has been a criminal arrested and a cop complimented by the victim, it could easily have been a murderer fled and a cop dead in an alley?"_

By that time, Mac was yelling, completely altered by the thought that she could have been hurt...

_"You're irresponsible! That's not the way this job has to be done!"_

And so it had all begun...

Mac sat on his sofa in the dimness of this Friday dawn, a day that should be sunny and happy. Stella's birthday, he suddenly remembered. On the terms that they had finished last night, Mac had no idea what to do for her to forgive him, and for them to celebrate her birthday as they used to do in recent years, first taking a drink with the team and afterwards having dinner together. He did not think Stella really wanted to have dinner with him right now.

Stella also rose. She had put the papers into the envelope again, and tried to go back to sleep, but it was impossible. She went to the kitchen and started to make coffee. The calendar on the wall showed her a red circle drawn around the day, with rays coming out in all directions… She smiled, despite herself. Every New Year, when she hung the brand new calendar, the first thing she did was highlight her birthday. Throughout her childhood in the orphanage, her birthday was the only day in which she felt she was someone special, the only day that she was the subject of everyone's attention, receiving all the congratulations. It was the day that the cooks concocted a humble pie on which was written her name. Stella. Her name written in a thin chocolate thread was the height of her childhood happiness, and the excitement about celebrating that day had endured over time.

When she became a CSI, the celebration was soon done with her colleagues, going out for drinks after the turn. For several years, to the celebration had been added a more private dinner with her best friend, her boss, Mac Taylor. But this year... this year nobody was in the mood for celebrations. Since Angell's death, things were strained between them. Don wasn't the same, and it seemed he wasn't going to be anymore. Those clear eyes he had always had, no longer showed that childish and mischievous look, and had become elusive, without the cheerful spark that had always characterized them. His silly jokes and humorous comments had virtually disappeared. It was as if he had suddenly grown up, or worse, he had got old. It was like Mac himself after Claire's death, Stella remembered. Or worse, because Mac had never been so open either before his wife death, so the change was not so noticeable. Stella sincerely hoped that Don would soon find someone to be able to start a new story with, he couldn't be alone forever. Or maybe yes, she said to herself, tilting her head to and fro, if he followed Mac's example.

She didn't understand Mac, she actually understood him less and less. When she thought they were closer, afterGreece, after solving the case of Angell's death, when they should have taken the definitive step in their relationship, he retreated, he seemed to take shelter again in his usual coolness... Stella didn't care, she decided to give him a margin, not to put pressure on him... And suddenly, he was dating Aubrey. Aubrey! A girl he had met by chance and had suddenly become a great friend... Stella was disconcerted. He had never been intimate with anyone, and much less in so little time. Aubrey was a lovely woman, sure, but it hurt Stella's heart to see the growing closeness between them, something she had worked so hard to get. It seemed as if all these years Stella had been working to turn Mac into a man able to be happy again with a woman, and suddenly that woman wouldn't be her. And she didn't feel able to contemplate that, of course not. What's more, Peyton's sudden reappearance had come to further complicate things when Mac was more vulnerable, after nearly losing his life in a fall from two stories that could have killed him. With his broken wrist, needing help, Stella had felt again useful for Mac... but his home had become a parade of women. Aubrey as a friend and doctor... Mac didn't seem to consider her something different, or if he did he didn't say it to Stella. And Peyton... Stella didn't fully understand the return of Peyton and her intentions around Mac, however, he seemed to make it clear he wasn't interested in anything special with her again. All that was the past, Stella thought. She still remembered the day Mac had received that devastating letter in which Peyton broke up with him... She had done much, much damage. That day, she appeared at the club where he played, he had looked from the small stage and had smiled, sadly. At least, he knew that Stella was there for him... And then the whole thing Shane Casey had come to destroy the tenuous balance in which all of them seemed to be. The dramatic end at the lighthouse, without finding the murderer's body, and his reappearance at the Messer's home...

Lindsay was still trying to overcome the terrible nightmares believing her daughter in danger. The last normal and friendly conversation between Stella and Mac had been precisely about that, Mac insisted that theirs was not a good profession to raise a family, let alone being the two partners in the Police. They could never be sure to see their children grown, if not even put them in danger. What had happened, a murderer so close to his little goddaughter Lucy Messer, had put even more doubt in Mac about their ability to raise a family.

But the evening before, Mac had been angry with her because of the incident in the morning, and the discussion had taken an unexpected turn, personal. Mac had finished saying things that had apparently been stored in his heart for years. Stella never believed he could bear a grudge, but his words had almost convinced her about it, or he would not have said some of the hurtful things he had said.

All that because, in principle, he was terrified that something bad could have happened during the arrest of the robber. She had wanted to downplay the issue joking, and that had ended up driving him mad. When she had left Mac's office, trying to hold back tears, she had seen the expressions of astonishment on the faces of her colleagues, who, although they had not heard the content of the discussion, had witnessed the brawl through the glass walls. Mac had become red with anger, accusing her, they had seen him smash the folders on his desk in anger... They just had a similar confrontation when, immersed in the Diakos case, Stella had ignored Mac's express orders and she had followed on her own... and then the discussion was over with Stella's resignation and her badge left on Mac's table.

Yesterday, she just had gone. The shift was not over, but Stella had collected her purse and keys and gone home. Her colleagues had seen Mac sitting, elbows on the table and his head between his hands. He remained this way for several long minutes, no one daring interrupt him in his thoughts, depression, remorse or whatever was happening to him at that moment. After half an hour, he also had left without saying goodbye, without even looking at anyone.

On his couch, finishing his second cup of coffee, Mac remembered what had been said the previous evening, word by word. How had he been able to say those things? What fear, what anger, spite, jealousy... what? He thought again. Jealousy? Reactive jealousy? Maybe yes.

He didn't know. He really couldn't understand what the hell had led him to talk that way to his best friend, his confidant, his angel, the woman who had always been there for him, the woman he… loved?


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks to Lily Moonlight for her help with the translation, she is a really good teacher.

_I Can't Say Goodbye_

**Chapter 3**

Stella decided to take a shower; she didn't know what else to do while the time seemed to have stopped this morning. She ran water over her hair, her face, trying not to think, not to remember... but it was impossible.

"You're irresponsible! That's not the way this job has to be done!"

What Mac had said had hurt, he had hurt her badly, because she, Stella Bonasera, was very good at her job. It was the only thing she really did well in life. If Mac said now that she wasn't good enough at work, what was left? She could not contain herself, he had offended her badly.

"I'll tell you one thing, Mac Taylor ... If there's one thing I can do well, maybe the only thing I do well, it's my job. I'm a cop, Mac, before being a CSI I was a cop, and I may stop being a CSI, but I'll never stop being a cop. I was trained for that, I fought for it and I learned to solve situations by putting service to other people before my own convenience. I can deal with danger to avoid being harmed and I know how to handle it, I learned to make decisions in milliseconds, to have the reflexes to predict what an offender can do and to avoid fatal consequences. So do not tell me I cannot do my job! "

"But there are some protocols that are made to be followed! An agent being alone should report before acting!"

"And give the bad guy time to escape while I report my position?"

"The rules have been established for a reason, and they must be obeyed!"

She took a deep breath before speaking again, angrily.

"Mac Taylor, Mr. Rules-to-follow, I'm sick of you and your rules, rules at work, rules of life! You're not a man, you're a walking manual! I'll tell you more: It's you here who isn't a cop, you're a Marine, and you've never ceased to be one. You live your life like you're at war, you never allow yourself to get out of your strict code of ethics, based on rigid principles which are as outdated as you are..."

At that point, Mac had turned red with anger, and had thrown on the table the folders he held in his hands. Some of them had bounced and fallen to the ground, scattering their contents. He had also kicked one of them.

"So I'm obsolete?" he had asked

"Yes, you are. You live like a monk, nothing and nobody seems to bother you. You don't let anyone love you or be close to you... Well, unless you meet a stranger, who knows where, and suddenly you feel you can trust her more than anyone in the world..."

"You're contradicting yourself, Stella ... And if you're talking about Aubrey, keep her out of this. So you think there's something wrong with me because nothing affects me, but if I find someone I start to get attached to, that's not good either?"

"No, it isn't good. It isn't natural that the people who are always here for you haven't any clue about what goes through your head, and then someone who doesn't have any right becomes your confidant."

"What exactly do you mean?" he demanded.

"I'm talking about years of being at your side, waiting for you to be the friend you were supposed to be. I'm talking about being someone who listens to your confidences and trusts you with his problems, and not the one who saves all his demons and lets you out of his life. I'm talking about being there for you and getting nothing in return, not even a little intimate sincerity. To deal with you is like navigating in a fog, and, frankly, I'm tired of it."

He stares at her for a little while before he answers her.

"What are you worried about, then? I don't think that all these years you have only been there for me... although I would have liked it and I really wanted it. But I can name you several other "friends" who apparently were not as reserved as me and they got very close to you. They were apparently very "sincere" and you were very good to class them as such... Or not, given the results. All that training and skills of yours almost cost your life, and nearly mine, thanks to your overconfidence in men who were so open and honest... Such as Frankie, for example, or Drew and most of the undesirable guys that have visited your bed "

Stella was speechless; unable to believe what she had heard.

"How... how dare you?" The words could hardly get out of her throat. "What the hell did you think? That I was going to stay chaste and pure until you decided yourself? On the day of your retirement, perhaps? Because, of course, a relationship further than friendship in our job situation is against the rules... "

"I didn't feel you encouraged me in that way, Stella. When your apartment burned down, I offered you my house. And you didn't accept. The excuse of snoring? That was almost insulting. I really thought you didn't want anything with me. And even after returning fromGreece, when I finally thought we had a chance of something more..." He paused thoughtfully.

"I thought so too, Mac, but then it came the shooting, and Angell's death... and you became like ice"

"And you don't, of course. Just the opposite. You became so hot you take the first man who passed in front of you to bed... And all that after telling me that you were "The woman in my life." How was I supposed to interpret that?"

Stella had looked at him, becoming pale. Mac knew it, he knew about Adam... He had continued.

"But then, who am I to speak... Mr. Rules, Mr. Do-not-involve-yourself-with-a-subordinate, Mr... Mr. No-one for you, like you showed me. You didn't care you were risking your career, or Adam's... For God's sake, Stella... Adam! What were you thinking?"

"What was I thinking? You're asking me what was I thinking?" Stella took a deep breath. She no longer cared about anything. After that, really nothing could be worse. So, what the hell... She would tell it him straight and probably for the last time. "I'll tell you, Mac, I'll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking the same thing I've thought about the last ten years whenever I slept with a man... I was thinking about you and how it would be if it were you who was with me, above me, inside me. That's what I was thinking, you idiot! "

Red with rage, Stella had approached the door and stormed out, leaving him as flustered, confused, angry and bewildered as she was.

The water flowing over her now was getting cold and that made her react and get out of the shower. She sighed as she started to dry herself. There was no possible solution. It was the best to leave. Her time with Mac was over; if they ever had an opportunity it had been missed and the chance would not come twice. Today, her thirty-fifth birthday, was going to be the start of the third part of her life. An excellent job in a new country, new people to meet, the opportunity to start something from scratch and try to do it better. Today she would speak to Sinclair; ask him to arrange for her being transferred, and she did not expect any resistance on his part, when he saw where the request for her services came from.

Mac also had showered, shaved and dressed... and it wasn't yet six in the morning. He decided to leave and take the car, leave it in the Laboratory parking, go for a walk and find a place to eat breakfast, perhaps with a view of the Park. He would read the newspaper and gather strength to face this Friday, after what Stella had said the day before. The last look in her eyes had made him fear the worst; that she was never going to forgive him. And she was right, he had called her more or less a libertine, a whore... And her last words, admitting that when she was with another man, she thought of him... She could only say that in the heat of the argument, and Mac was sure that it would be killing her, to have told him that and that he now knew it... How little Stella knew that with a minimum change of place of a noun, an adverb and two pronouns, he could have spoken the same paragraph too.

"... I was thinking the same thing I thought about the last ten years when I slept with a woman... I was thinking about you and how it would be if it were you who was with me, below me, I inside you..."

He could not imagine how it would be to see each other today. He could not know how they would behave... the very day of her birthday, when they had agreed that all the team would go for a drink to celebrate at the end of the shift. How the atmosphere would be... His co-workers had been semi-silent witnesses in the distance to what had happened, and by the faces he had seen obliquely when he left the lab, he realized that everyone had noticed the scope of the argument, more serious than any other so far.


	5. Chapter 5

The characters don't belong to me but to the creators ofCSINYtv series.

And, as every time, thanks to Lily Moonlight for her help with the translation.

_I Can't Say Goodbye_

**Chapter 4**

Mac arrived at his office when the Lab was still deserted. It was too early. He adjusted the blinds to see without being seen. From his chair he was able to control the long corridor and the elevators landing where the doors opened. He wanted to spy on Stella when she arrived, see her face and guess her mood.

He saw Lindsay and Danny arriving, they greeted him with a movement of their heads when they passed in front of his door. He saw Hawkes leaving the elevator, and before the door was closed he thought he had seen Stella inside, continuing to the upper floors. It was absurd, Mac thought, he was obsessed. She was probably any other woman employed in the building. He also saw one of the security guards accompanying a delivery man carrying a precious bunch of a dozen white roses. They went towards Stella's office and the boy left the bunch on the table. Mac suddenly remembered. They were his flowers, which he had ordered the previous day to be delivered today, Stella's birthday. It was supposed to be a gift from her friend, her colleague… He reminded himself of what he had written in the card, in his better handwriting, trying to do it perfectly legible. It was a poem by the Cuban Jose Martí, which he liked very much and he knew by heart, The White Rose.

_I have a white rose to tend_

_In July as in January;_

_I give it to the true friend_

_Who offers his frank hand to me._

_And for the cruel one whose blows_

_Break the heart by which I live,_

_Thistle nor thorn do I give:_

_For him, too, I have a white rose._

Multiplied by twelve for you

Mac

He knew white roses were Stella's favourite flowers, and when he had found out, many years before, he had recited this poem for her. Stella had been moved, she had loved it. Nevertheless, today… Mac didn't know what interpretation she would give to the verses. Would she consider him to be the sincere friend, or the cruel one who breaks her heart? For a moment he was tempted to go to her office and recover the card. But then he thought it better to leave it. This poem would take them back in time, when their solid friendship was in the beginning and they were still starting to know each other and what things they liked more and less… According to the words said the day before, they already thought then that their relationship could blossom into something more than a simple friendship, but they never had admitted it, keeping instead those feelings hidden deep.

Hawkes was now working on fingerprints, with Danny and Lindsay. Mac could see them, the Messer couple were listening to Sheldon with worried faces. In a moment, the three of them turned their sights towards his office. When they saw that he was looking too, they lowered their eyes and each one went away separately. Mac knew they were worried, because the argument between the bosses the previous day had undoubtedly surprised them, but... it seemed they had something more to worry about.

And there was something more, or the CSI team suspected so. Hawkes had met Stella when both were entering the building. He had embraced her to congratulate her on her birthday. He was the first one to do so and Stella had almost wept, surprising her friend. They had celebrated her birthday for several years up to the present and she had never been so moved. Stella used to take this day happily, saying that it was her day, and the rest of the team had only the task of making her feel that she was a queen. But this time Sheldon had noticed something different in her. The tight embrace, retaining her colleague for an instant longer that what was normal, the sigh she released when the hug broke... but especially the lack of that overflowing happiness that characterized her, because, in spite of her wide smile, this time the shine didn't reach her eyes as it always did.

And then, she had stayed in the elevator when they arrived at the Lab's floor. She told him she had something to resolve, surprising Hawkes. He managed to see the floor she picked, 36. It was Chief Sinclair's office floor. What was the matter here? Nobody went to the Chief's office unless called, and even then everyone tried to find an excuse for not attending. So... Why was Stella heading there, first thing in the morning, before even going to her own office? Chief Sinclair wouldn't have had the opportunity to claim her yet. How was it possible Stella wanted to meet him of her own will? Something strange had happened.

Hawkes shared his worries with Danny and Lindsay, and the three of them were wondering if Stella's acts had something to do with the previous afternoon's events, the bitter argument between her and Mac. When they simultaneously looked towards Mac's office, he was watching them. They parted in different directions without finishing their talk.

Lindsay went to Stella's office, in order to leave on her table the folder of the last solved case, awaiting Stella's signature as the officer in charge, and then Mac's signature to finally close and file the case properly.

When she entered, she saw there was a bunch of white roses on the table. Mac's roses, the roses he sent Stella every year on her birthday. That calmed her a bit. What woman could reject a man who gives her a dozen of her favourite roses, no matter the argument she had with him? What could be more romantic than to give something precious and perishable, almost as ephemeral and beautiful as a smile?

Stella left Sinclair's office, smiled at his secretary and went down two floors to her office. She took the staircase, without waiting for the elevator. She remained a bit in the desert landing, before descending to the Lab floor, trying to calm herself down. Everything had been OK, even better than she had hoped.

Sinclair had just arrived when Stella appeared requesting an interview. He was attending to a telephone call, but he had asked her to enter immediately without waiting. Something in Stella's face said to the Chief that what she wanted to speak with him was important. He never would admit it, but he had a certain weakness for this woman and what could happen to her was important to him. Not only because she was an extremely efficient agent, with an extraordinary capacity of work, resolution and courage, showed every day, but also because of her character. She was expressive and happy, she matched perfectly with her colleague Mac Taylor, who sometimes exasperated him with his stubbornness. He had thought about it frequently, the Bonasera-Taylor tandem was very useful to the CSI New York department, but, in the long term, it would slow down Stella's career. With Mac Taylor one step above her on the rank, Stella's aspirations of promotion always were going to have that ceiling.

Sinclair was sure about Stella's capacity and her skills to be able to manage her own department and be the boss. Because of that, when this morning Stella Bonasera had turned up so early and with such a long face in his office, Sinclair had known that something transcendent was happening, and that probably, probably, it was time to allow some things to move in the CSI Lab of New York, starting a new order. All this had been turning in Sinclair's head since months before, when the possibility of extending, reinforcing and improving the CSI departments had been seriously considered. It wasn't an urgent project, but probably it was time to define proposals more accurately.

Stella accessed her office from the corridor, coming from the stairs, without giving Mac the opportunity to see her coming. He saw her suddenly there, entering her office with resolution, with her cheeks a bit redder than normal.

Her steps stopped when she saw the roses on the table. She didn't approach, she was stopped for what seemed to Mac an endless time... until she recovered and in a quick motion she went to the table, took the flowers and threw them in the wastepaper basket. The card had fallen in the short way, because of the abrupt action, and she took it and threw it also over the bunch. Then, she sat down and opened the folder that Lindsay had left, ready to begin her work, without raising the sight, without looking at any side.

Lindsay had also followed her movements, open-mouthed, and immediately her eyes went to Mac's office. She saw he also had been looking at Stella, and his face became paler than usual, if possible. The young woman sat down, desolated. What had happened the previous evening was more serious than they had thought. She had desire of crying, she couldn't think that Mac and Stella were so fiercely angry. No, for God's sake, those two... They were Mac and Stella, the reference of stability for the whole Laboratory, the two strong pillars in which everything was supported... The godparents of his daughter, hell! Those who took Lucy for a walk in the park almost every weekend as a happy couple... A couple that Lindsay had always secretly hoped that they ended up making themselves their own mini-Taylors.


	6. Chapter 6

The characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSINY tv series.

I have to thank again our friend Lily Moonlight for being the one who corrects mistakes and turn this Fic into something legible.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**_Chapter 5_**

Lindsay plucked up courage and went to Stella's office. She knocked lightly on the door and entered. Stella smiled at her friend and colleague but that shy smile failed to reach her eyes.

"Hey, congratulations!" said the younger woman, skirting round the wastepaper basket, loaded with the bunch of white roses while approaching to kiss Stella. She asked with a movement of head towards the flowers. " Aren't they the flowers Mac always sends you?"

Stella sighed. "As you'll have noticed, I'm not in the mood to receive gifts from Mac these days. Don't worry about it. Disagreements."

"But it's a pity to let the flowers wither... Will you let me take them to the break room? They'll die without water, and they're so beautiful."

"You're right, the roses aren't to blame for anything. But I don't want them here. Take them out of here and do whatever you want with them."

Lindsay leaned over the wastepaper basket and carefully took the bunch. The card fell down, showing the text. Lindsay took it from the floor, recognizing Mac's handwriting and signature. Stella had turned her attention to the paperwork, so when she dismissed Lindsay without looking at her, she couldn't realize that her colleague slid the card into the open bag, hanging on the rack near the door. Lindsay smiled to herself. She hadn't read anything, but she had time to appreciate by its structure that the writing was a poem. She was sure that once the anger had passed through, Stella would like to keep it. She looked for a vase and arranged the roses on a coffee table in one corner of the break room.

There was a break in the morning when the staff came to congratulate Stella. She had ordered a well-stocked box with several trays of tiny, exquisite pastries, Mario's specialty, and they had just been delivered straight from the oven of the famous bakery a few blocks away.

When Mac appeared in the break room, the lively conversations were put on hold. He went to Stella.

"Congratulations and happy birthday." He leaned toward her intending to kiss her cheek, but she pulled away, and taking a tray of pastries from the table she placed it between the two, without looking at him. "Thank you, take a pastry, they are delicious"

Mac took one, he ate it and turned to pour himself a cup of coffee. Stella turned away and continued talking to Sid, as she'd been doing before Mac's arrival. He returned to his office with a cup of coffee and a huge weight on his chest. This would be difficult to solve. An hour later, when all the team were again working at their respective tasks, Mac saw Chief Sinclair entering Stella's office. He had to have used the stairs, taking Mac off guard again. Sinclair spent just a few minutes, and before leaving, he shook Stella's hand warmly. That was odd, Mac thought. Unless the Chief had known about the celebration and came to wish Stella a happy birthday… From the distance the gesture looked even quite affectionate.

Stella seemed to be very thoughtful. She put her elbows on the table resting her face in her hands and remained so for a while. Then she looked from a distance and her eyes met Mac's. She averted her gaze and went back to work.

Sinclair had left with a sincere handshake. So overwhelming that it had almost crushed Stella's finger bones. Everything was finally done, she thought, there was no turning back. The Department had accepted her request to leave her post, which was in reserve. She would always have the opportunity to come back after her leave of six months, but now she was free to join the US Department of State and National Security, where she was claimed.

There was only one thing left, to accept the offer. During the morning she had carefully written her message of acceptance, and she had only to press "Send" to send it to its destination. "Destiny," Stella thought, a great word.

That was the matter precisely now, to give a turn to her destiny, because in this city she seemed not to have the luck of moving towards a happier life. She allowed herself a few seconds of meditation, with her face resting in her hands. When she looked up, she realized that Mac was watching from a distance. Mac, who only looks and never acts... She was tired of so many years of vain expectations, as she finally realized. Unrealistic hopes, created by her imagination and her silly infatuation, though he had never taken a step in that direction. Yes, he had gone to Greece to look for her... and she had magnified it believing that the gesture was because he was in love, because he couldn't live without her... and then, as always, nothing. Nothing! With a sigh, Stella clicked on the word "Send". Her life had just moved, and, she hoped, moved in the right direction.

"Taylor agrees with this?" Sinclair had asked her when he went to Stella's office. He wanted to confirm with her personally that the Department had agreed to surrender her services on a temporary basis. Even more, considering she had more than one month of holidays not taken, she could leave immediately to handle her new job, compensating the month's notice with the vacation. Since the end of the day she could consider herself free from her work on CSI New York Department and begin her new adventure that would take her to Europe.

"Mac knows nothing" Sinclair's face showed undisguised surprise. "And I intend that he continues to know nothing. We are not on good terms now. Officially, since this evening I will be on vacation for a month. After that, I'll think about how to explain my absence. But I ask you, please, not to say anything to Mac. I'm not sure if I want him to know anything. Anyway, I'll entrust it to myself when the time comes."

"Well, nothing will come from me, of course, if that's your desire. But I thought you were good friends?"

"That's the key, we were. That's the past. I intend the future to be very different. Away from here. First, this work in Europe will be challenging to me, and then, if as you have said to me the Department wants me to organize the new Lab in New Orleans, my career will have taken the turn it needed. It will be a challenge and an honour for me"

"I was going to say so anyway, Stella, your name was on everyone's mind when we started to deal with this issue. The project has been delayed a few months, the building isn't finished yet... but until then it seems you'll have plenty of emotions. Who knows, maybe you won't even remember us when the time to come back arrives and you'd prefer not to. I'm sure, knowing you and knowing how you work, that when you finish this first assignment they won't let you go easily and they'll do their best to keep you with them..."

"It's very kind of you to say so, Chief, your words give me security. I think I'll do well, that's my job... But this is a new challenge and I think I can do it."

"That I have no doubt about." Sinclair shook her hand vigorously. "And we are here for all you need," he told her before leaving.

Well, everything was done. The confirmation that her message had been opened at its destination came with a slight sound on the computer. There was no turning back. She was finishing the last of her paperwork and before completing the shift she planned to leave everything closed. She would have to travel to Washington on Monday and from there everything should be very fast, because on the first day of June she was expected to join her new office at the U.S. Embassy in Athens. She would have to settle her accommodation when she got there. Whether it would be in a hotel, or in her own apartment, she did not know.

She didn't know if her work, coordinating U.S. security in the European Union's countries, would mean her travelling around Europe or if she could resolve all her work from Athens. She didn't know either if the planned visits of the Vice President and the President to Greece during the semester in which this country assumed the rotating Presidency of the European Union, would be something she would have to fulfil, or if it was the White House's staff who organized the President's movements. Since it was newly created position, it would make sense to think she would have to organize and fit the American Security Services in the host country, hence she was specially recommended by her proficiency in Greek, and also her good knowledge of Italian. Anyway, as she had expressed to Sinclair, it was a big challenge for her.

She hadn't gone out for lunch, and suddenly she realized she was hungry. But she was almost finishing, and she wanted to leave early. She had to change before going out for a drink with the team, to celebrate her birthday. She thought that she would have to pick her things up the office, but she would do it on Saturday evening, when nobody could see her. She didn't want to explain why she picked up her stuff if she just went on vacation... She felt bad about it, but she wouldn't tell them anything, she couldn't say goodbye. No, she couldn't say goodbye, she would rather avoid it. She was a coward, she thought, but she preferred to be a coward than to face her team mates in a farewell.

And Mac, "Oh, Mac... I can't. However much I suffer because of you... No, I can't say goodbye to you."


	7. Chapter 7

The characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSINY tv series.

I have to thank again our friend Lily Moonlight for being the one who corrects mistakes and turn this Fic into something legible.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 6**

Before leaving, Stella made a copy of all her personal files and email from her office computer, saving everything on a disc that she would take with her. Then, she deleted everything to be sure there wasn't anything personal there. She backed up all the work material, recorded it and immediately formatted the hard drive. Right after that, she reloaded the programs and work files which were the only thing she intended to leave behind. By the time she finished, the shift had ended. Covering her tracks had taken longer than she thought.

She picked up her bag and went to the Lab.

"I'm leaving, I hope to have a drink and toast to all of you, OK? In a couple of hours?"

"We'll be there" Lindsay spoke and the others nodded. She wondered if she would have found Mac's card, and if not, what would be Stella's reaction when she did, if she would re-read it or throw it away. The crisis in the leaders' relationship made her feel insecure. "I'm a moron" she thought to herself. Like a girl who thinks her parents were getting a divorce, so she felt.

On her way to the elevators Stella passed Mac's door and saw the office was empty. "Better", she thought. She couldn't face his gaze calmly, not yet. When she arrived home she just wanted to curl up on the couch and stay there forever, but she had to face reality, she had to celebrate her birthday as always and say her goodbyes to her colleagues, apparently for a holiday. Much longer than they might suspect, but at the moment it was all she felt strong enough to deal with. With a sigh, she went to the bathroom. A long shower would help. Then she would dress up. Looking good always encouraged her. She chose the black dress unconsciously. It fitted like a glove to her perfect body, showing enough cleavage and legs to put into orbit any member of the opposite sex. She pulled her hair back, freeing the curls that framed her face, and applied makeup to hide the dark circles that were surely a product of the previous night without sleep. When she looked at herself in the mirror before going out, she sighed... "Thirty-five years." Soon that spectacular body and pretty face would follow their natural path starting their decline... and she didn't want to waste her prime of life, she didn't want to regret a few years later, when it would be late to be a mother and raise a family. She didn't want to finish alone, as it had been all her lonely life. Her hopes of sharing something with Mac had been that, only hopes. You can not live in fantasies, and she had spent too many years waiting for that come true. It was time to move on, to forget the ideal and work for the possible.

All men's heads in the club turned toward her as she entered. They couldn't help following with their gazes every one of her curves, emphasized by the tight dress. The women couldn't help either admiring or envying, depending on each one's instincts. She didn't leave anyone indifferent.

Mac was there, with Don. Stella thought that after what had happened between them he wasn't going to appear but, apparently, she was wrong. From the bottom of the bar his eyes never left her as she approached, with the same look of that time. Stella suddenly remembered... Sure, it was just the same dress. That first time that he had taken off the alliance, when she had said she had plans and then he decided to go to a casual appointment with that... Anna, the first time he had been out with a woman who wasn't Stella since Claire's death. She recalled how he had looked at her up and down when she entered his office, how she had removed his tie and fixed the collar under his jacket, so close that his face was red, and remembered how his eyes had followed her as she walked away, she had felt as if he was touching her with his gaze. That same look of restrained desire that he had in this moment, though less smiling, as if fearful of the reaction she might have. Don came up to greet her warmly and moved to find a table, now that almost everyone had arrived

"If you want me to go, I will," Mac said almost in a whisper.

"I don't care, do whatever you want," she replied, mitigating the harshness with a fake smile, seeing Don coming, who told them to move toward the corner where a large table was free. At that time, the Messer couple arrived and the atmosphere relaxed. When they were sitting, Sid, Sheldon and Adam joined also the group. Mac went to the counter and brought glasses and a bottle of whiskey, which was left on the table. He had finished his first glass, and after serving everyone else he served himself again. He stood up and all of them paid attention to the boss, the one who usually made the first toast.

"I propose a toast to our friend and colleague Stella Bonasera. Happy birthday, Stella, I... we wish you all the happiness that you deserve today and the rest of your life ". He was looking now at her with pleading eyes, full of sincerity, and Stella, who knew him so well, knew he was apologizing. But it was too late, and avoiding looking at him she raised her glass to make it clink with the others. She saw out of the corner of her eye that Mac sat, serious, and downed his whiskey in one gulp, filling the glass again. Sid stood up and started the following toast.

"Dear Stella, maybe you think you start getting older ... but I tell you that you have the best part of your life ahead, I know, and you'll have plenty of time to accomplish everyone of your dreams, because you deserve it. " Stella's eyes filled with tears, and she kissed Sid, who was at her side, while clinking her glass again. Last time she had avoided Mac's one, now he didn't even try, he just drank and refilled again. Lindsay and Danny shared a twosome toast wishing the best to their friend and godmother of their daughter. Sheldon became serious in wishing her friend and protector a lot of happiness. Each time, everyone had applauded and cheered. Mac had cried "Yes!" slapping the table and draining his glass to the bottom. He went to look for another bottle, stumbling over a chair, which he had found, apparently, very funny. When Adam got up to toast Mac chuckled, muttering. "The kid who was missing, the last of the undesirables... for now!" The others didn't notice, but Lindsay was at his side and was starting to worry about his attitude.

"I drink a toast to Stella, who has been the friend always open to us ..." Mac stifled another laugh, muttering "Yes, more than open, spread. You can talk" in an almost unintelligible voice, but Lindsay was able to capture something. Adam continued, "And our support when we needed it, someone to turn to when things get hard..." Mac laughed now trying to keep his mouth shut, which called more attention to him. Adam looked at him in astonishment. Stella was annoyed. Mac shook his hand as if in apology and urged him to continue. "Go on, you were saying that Stella helps you when your things get hard... Okay, well, we'll toast to that"

Stella was shocked. The others had not captured all the double meaning that Mac was giving to his words, but Stella had, and it was exponentially making things worse between them. Adam finished his toast "To Stella, happy birthday"

"Yes, yes!" Mac again drained his glass and poured another. Lindsay was really worried about him, she had lost track of how much Mac had been drinking. Stella was also aware that her companion, her friend, the love of his life, was behaving like a teenager out of control. She finally rose to acknowledge all the toasts.

"Thank you all for that you have said and your wishes for my happiness. I hope they will be fulfilled, and I promise that from now on I will do everything to achieve it. It seems that so far I haven't put in enough effort, but I'm working on it. I also wanted to tell you that probably we won't see each other for a while because to celebrate my birthday I am taking a vacation, I have a lot of days stored up." All faces looked at her with surprise, unable to believe it. Stella never took vacation days in a row, the most being a long weekend. She continued "So on Monday I won't be at the Lab, but you won't miss me much. And thanks a lot for being here with me, for being my friends... you will always be in my heart" She couldn't continue because of the knot that was forming in her throat. Everyone clapped and clinked glasses, wishing her a happy holiday. After all, she deserved it, and it would suit her well. Mac had lowered his head. All of a sudden he looked up and his eyes met Stella's.

"Who did you ask for the holidays?" There was pain in his eyes now. "Not me, I'm sure... and I'm supposed to know to be able to organise the shifts." Stella looked away.

"I spoke to Chief Sinclair about, and he agreed." Mac gulped what was left in his glass and stood up. He went to the counter and took out some bills from his wallet, putting them there. He returned to the table and waved.

"I'm going, I don't know what I'm doing here, really." He bent over Stella, who had her back to him and sinking his face in her curls, he kissed her neck under her ear. Mac's breath made her shiver. "Find what you want" he said, and before Stella could turn to look at him, he had left.

All of them remained silent, until Lindsay couldn't help asking.

"What has happened? This isn't normal, Mac's drunk, I've lost count of what he has been drinking. I just hope he doesn't drive now."

"He has no his car, he came with me. He'll call a taxi," said Don, and he approached the door to keep track of Mac. But he didn't see him, so he went back inside.

Everyone expected Stella to say something, but she couldn't explain why or how Mac and she were so angry.

"It's okay. Highs and lows... And it's late, I'm exhausted. I think I'll leave you, guys." Although all protested, Stella stood up and asked the bartender if there was something to pay, assuming she was buying. But Mac had left more than enough. From the counter, Stella looked at her friends and colleagues, thinking it was the last time she was going to see them for an unknown time. With that thought and the several glasses she had drunk, which were making her feel vulnerable and sentimental, tears came to her eyes. She came back and gave pats on all the backs as she said goodbye. She hadn't taken the car, and the guys offered to give her a ride, but she preferred to walk and breathe the air of the early night, to clear her head. When she saw a taxi, she would call for it to take her home. She didn't want to look back as she left, but she knew that the gossip of the night would be the same throughout the day, the strange fight between her and Mac. She didn't want to imagine either what they would think after a month when she wouldn't return. They would feel betrayed, and probably they would feel that she hadn't had enough confidence in them to share her plans, her expectations about her new situation... She only hoped that eventually they would come to forgive, and maybe one day they could share a few drinks like today, in a happier atmosphere.

When she arrived home she sank into the couch. The bag slid from her lap and she tried to grab it, but just got to dump its contents. She started to pick it up and then Stella saw the card, the same card she was sure she had thrown into the trash with the roses. Her mind wasn't totally clear with the alcohol, but she immediately knew who was responsible for the mysterious change of location... Lindsay. Sighing, she took the card and read. Mac's handwriting made her shudder, she would recognize it among millions.

_I have a white rose to tend_

_In July as in January;_

_I give it to the true friend..._

With the first words Stella recognized the verses, the poem that had seemed the most beautiful in the world to her when, so many years ago, Mac had recited it for her when he knew white roses were her favorite flowers... She could not keep the tears coming to her eyes, this time as an unstoppable torrent.

She didn't know how long she had been there holding the card and crying when she heard a knock at the door. She had no idea who could be at this hour. She came over to look through the peephole. Whoever it was continued knocking. Her heart sank. It was Mac.

"Open up, I know you're there," Mac's voice sounded strange, too euphoric, and in a tone too high for the hour. If she didn't open, he would probably speak even louder and the neighbours would protest for the noise, all seemed higher by night.

She opened the door with a straight face.

"What do you want, Mac? I don't remember inviting you to my house."

"Now I need an invitation?" Mac started to enter, and Stella turned away. She saw he brought some bags. "I'm the one who invites you to dinner every birthday, yours and mine, in recent years..." He was rolling the Ss a bit. He had definitely drunk too much.

Stella sighed and closed the door behind her.


	8. Chapter 8

The characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series.

Thanks again to Lily Moonlight for being the good friend who does the corrections.

* * *

><p><strong><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>**

**Chapter 7**

Mac went straight to the kitchen, putting down the bags he had brought on the table. As if in his own home, he began to seek out dishes and glasses. There was a bottle of champagne in one of the bags, which he placed in the refrigerator. Turning, he saw Stella watching him from the door.

"The champagne has to be drunk cold, Madame," he slurred.

"Mac, I don't feel like drinking champagne right now, and I think you've already had enough drinks today. It would be better if you left"

"You don't need to get hard..." His laughter interrupted his own speech, and he muttered to himself. "I'm getting hard enough myself..." He tried to regain control, he was very cheerful, but he realized that Stella's mood wasn't the same, although she had drunk a lot too. He approached her. "Forgive me, Stel, really, forgive me for everything I said, I'm q-q-quite an idiot, you already know. If you want I'll get on my knees..." He kneeled in a sudden and dramatic gesture and Stella thought he might have hurt himself. She pulled back a bit, but he embraced her hips, pulling her toward him. He rested his face in her belly, and Stella had to restrain herself from stroking his hair.

"Enough of this bullshit, Mac! This isn't funny, get up!" But he was embracing her below the waist, now sighing with his chin almost on her sex. His breathing was leading her into sensations that Stella had longed for him to produce her.

"You look lovely in this dress, you are so beautiful..." He dragged out the words. "I wanted to punch the men in that club because they didn't stop looking at you. But everyone always looks at you... That's hardly surprising, because you're the most beautiful woman in this city and this country and this entire world... and even the other if it exists." Laughter attacked him again with his own idea, it was clear he didn't have full command of his thought or his speech.

Stella grabbed his arms, urging him to get up. Surprisingly, he did so without difficulty. His fitness was certainly helping him.

"But first thing is dinner, because it's your birthday and we have to have dinner together," Mac insisted. "Me being a jerk isn't a reason to break the tradition, because I always was an idiot, that's nothing new." Very determined, he went to the table and emptied the contents of the bags on the dishes. Small containers of Chinese food fell out of order, face up, face down, down to the floor... Stella bent down to pick two of them up. When Mac looked at her, the view of her cleavage made him snort...

"My God... Thank you for giving me such a good sight! And for putting in front of my eyes such beauty!" Laughter aroused him again, while at the same time, Stella didn't know what to do, whether to just get angrier or finally have dinner and hope the food would lower the alcohol level in their bodies...

She chose the latter. She took a tablecloth, napkins and cutlery and went to the small dining table in a corner of her living room, where she arranged it all. Mac came with the dishes and they sat down. For a while, they ate in silence. Mac got up and before Stella could stop him, he had taken the bottle of champagne from the fridge and had opened it. He poured half of it over the tablecloth, but he finally managed to fill the glasses.

"Mac, that's all we needed now, adding champagne to the whiskey we've already taken. We should stop..."

"I want to offer a toast and I have to do it properly..." He stood up, now very serious.

"To the woman in my life, the only woman in my life, Stella Bonasera." Now he was looking at her intently, causing her to blush. She couldn't resist his piercing eyes and she closed hers while taking a sip of champagne. The next thing she felt when she removed the cup was being raised from the chair and immediately Mac's mouth was on hers, his soft and supple lips flavoured with champagne and his tongue making its way between her lips. The shock left her paralyzed, and when she wanted to react and move away, he pressed her further. For a moment Stella wanted to resist, but then she surrendered to what she was feeling. It wasn't the way she had dreamed of kissing Mac for the first time, but his tongue inside her mouth was burning every last pore of her skin. She could not help sighing, still in full kiss, and her hands rose to Mac's hair, sliding down his neck. He sighed too as he withdrew a bit to allow them to breathe. He rested his forehead on Stella's temple.

"You wanted me to go?"

"I think it would be better..." Mac didn't let her finish, attacking her mouth again with more energy and passion than before, if that was possible. He pressed her against him so they could feel each part of their bodies, one into the other. Stella realized that if they continued, there was no turning back. There wasn't already, in fact. She felt Mac's hardness pressed against her and that made her legs shake. Mac's hands were not idle either. One of them pressed Stella against him almost to embed her in his body, the other sought and found the end of her dress' zipper and he undid it. Stella had not even noticed until she felt the dress sliding over her shoulders and down to her arms and hips when Mac suddenly turned away from her to help the garment to fall. She suddenly felt embarrassed. This wasn't how she wanted it, not when Mac was drunk and she hardly in control of her acts either. This should have been a sweet and romantic moment, with them both fully aware of what they were doing.

"Mac, don't..." But he didn't listen to her, he was kissing her again while working on the clasp of her bra, which gave him no problem. Suddenly, he was kissing her bare breasts, lowering his hand until losing it within the lace between her thighs.

"Don't say no when all of you is saying yes..." Her nipples were hard and erect, and she could feel his fingers confirming his words, immersed in her moisture... She abandoned herself to the pleasure he was giving her, to the accumulated desire, to the sweetness of his skin in her lips... How could he taste so well, smell so good, make her feel so damn good, that man whom she shouldn't forgive, or at least not so soon after the way he had hurt her?

She didn't remember how they had come to her bed, but they were there, hours later, he completely asleep, lying on his back, legs and arms outstretched, offering in sight everything a man's body can offer. She had just woken up, lying face down and using Mac's shoulder as a pillow, her face buried in it.

Surely it was a mistake, but she would probably never enjoy so much a mistake. She ran her eyes over Mac. For a man of his age, he was in incredible form. And the drinking didn't seem to have affected in the least his sexual vigor. The sight of his cock, now at rest, caused her some sweet tickling between her legs, remembering the pleasure it had given her, naughty, big and... tireless. Who would have thought that the serious and taciturn Mac Taylor would be capable of such deployment... and in diminished conditions because of the alcohol. Stella didn't want to think about how the thing would be in the optimal way... The thought was causing a throb down in her core, with a natural increase of the moisture in the area...

God, now what? she suddenly thought. They hadn't spoken about her departure yet, even though it had no turning back. Would they be able to act in the best possible way to assume this undeniable change in their relationship or it was going to mean nothing but the hot fun of a night of drinking? She wanted this to last forever, that's what she always had wanted, but right now... How would she combine it with her new commitments? How would Mac react when she told him it? And how the hell was she going to tell him?

"Listen, Mac, by the way, I forgot to tell you I'm leaving the Lab andNew York, I'm going toEuropefor six months and then straight toNew Orleansbecause it is a unique opportunity to develop my career."

Stella's head seemed about to explode, thanks mostly to the monumental hangover, but also to the accumulation of dire thoughts about her future as a couple and the uncertainty about how to face it. She didn't want to leave Mac, but on the other side this could surely be her last chance in life to do something truly successful, to achieve the goals she had set as a young girl, to accomplish things for herself and by her quality as a professional, something that had only been recognized so far on a much more modest level, and always under Mac Taylor's protective hand. This Mac Taylor who had been her protector but also her ceiling and her curb...

Mac sighed, Stella's curls moving to look at him were tickling him in the neck. He mumbled something unintelligible, even deeply asleep, and placed his hand on her waist, caressing and mumbling something else. Stella looked at him curiously, she didn't know he spoke in dreams. After another deep breath, as if he were fully satisfied, as a man who had enjoyed a full and intense sexual relationship, which was exactly what he had done, Mac murmured, this time with perfectly understandable words:

"I missed you, Claire"

_ To be continued..._


	9. Chapter 9

The characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series.

Thanks again to Lily Moonlight for being the good friend who does the corrections.

* * *

><p><strong><em>I<em>**

_I can't say goodbye_

**Chapter 8**

Stella jumped out of the bed. She literally jumped. Her head seemed to be on the point of exploding, and she realized that tears were running down her face, tears that were impossible to hold back. She locked herself in the bathroom, the last thing she wanted was to wake up Mac now. Claire! He thought he had been with Claire... She couldn't fight with that, it was clear. She had faced Mac and Peyton's affair, and then Aubrey's. Even if they were not difficult rivals, Stella having the resources to overcome if she wanted to use them; looking, as she did, more beautiful; being more loving, more sympathetic, more ingenious... But what could be done against a woman who would always live in Mac's mind forever young, sweet, idealized in her virtues and her faults forgotten over the years. Against her, Stella knew she couldn't do anything.

Stella had no doubt that Mac was aware of who she was the previous night, even if he wasn't totally aware because of the alcohol. He knew she was Stella, and it was Stella who he wanted to make love to... or so she believed. But once he was released from his conscious ego, at the bottom of his heart what Mac wanted was to be with Claire, and it seemed that in his dreams he believed he had regained her... Stella couldn't live with that. She also wanted to be the woman in his dreams, as well as in his life. He didn't mean to forget Claire as if she hadn't existed, but she wanted a man fully devoted, not just a half.

Moving away would be the most convenient decision. She couldn't think clearly besides Mac, as it was proved last night. She shouldn't have forgiven him so soon, he didn't deserve it, but when he kissed her she couldn't refuse him anything. But it's over, she thought, even if it was going to be tough. The new job would allow her to have better prospects, and it would give her time and space to think about her aspirations for a perfect relationship. If that wasn't possible, she should try elsewhere. It would take her a lot of hard work, but it was necessary. And how would she say it to Mac? Better, perhaps, not to tell him anything. At least, not looking into his eyes. If he expected her to return it would be the confirmation of his unswerving love for her and his confidence in spite of everything, if not, that love was nothing but an illusion.

Mac was feeling better than ever. Relaxed, full, happy. He was lying on the sand of a beach, and he felt carefree and quiet. He raised his head slightly, feeling the breeze that eased the effects of the bright sunshine, the temperature was ideal. He saw Stella, sitting at the seashore, her back to him. The gentle waves came up to her, covering her legs. The breeze made her curls dance, shining gold in the sunlight. A little girl jumped in the water around her. Lucy? Mac thought she had too many curls to be Lucy, but it didn't matter. Suddenly, someone standing next to him shaded him. When he looked at her, he was startled. It was a young woman, wearing a light and soft dress. It was Claire. She sat beside him, smiling, and passed a hand over his cheek.

"You're really fine, Mac, you're keeping fit!"

"Claire... how is it possible...? I know, I know... I'm dreaming, aren't I?"

"Maybe, Mac, or it may be another reality different from that in which you move regularly." Mac's scared face made her laugh. "Let it be as a dream, if you feel more relaxed. Don't worry, I'm not a vengeful evil spirit who come to you because you have another woman"

"You know about me and Stella, you know I love her, and I am with her?"

"I know everything, Mac, including what hasn't happened yet. And I think this that you're seeing hasn't happened yet, but it will happen." Now Claire was looking toward Stella and the little girl. "I always knew that you and Stella had something special. Only friendship and camaraderie while I lived, I'm sure of that, too, but there was something. I'm glad you finally decided to take the next step, it was time, Mac! You never excelled in making quick decisions or acting impulsively, but Mac... almost ten years! I don't know how Stella had the patience to wait for you to be ready."

Mac couldn't help smiling. Claire was right. His fears and insecurities had deprived them of enjoying a few years that should have been splendid.

"Well, what I can say, you know me very well... I just want to recover the time and compensate Stella for the waiting"

"Mac, just remember one thing. Maybe it's Stella now who has doubts, and it may not be as easy as you think to start a life together, you may need to be patient. You will be patient, do you promise me? If you've waited nine years, a few little more time doesn't matter. Be reasonable and be attentive to what Stella needs, OK?".

Mac looked at Claire with a smile on his face.

"Why do you say that?"

"For all that might happen, just be patient" She stood up after kissing Mac on the cheek and caressing his face. She threw him another kiss before starting to walk away.

"I missed you, Claire," said Mac

"I know, I know. But now you don't need me. Now you have Stella. And if you can wait you will be very happy." She went away until her figure vanished. Mac sighed. His dead wife had appeared to him and he wasn't scared, but feeling strangely good. He looked back toward the seashore and jumped, Stella was gone. He looked around and he saw her beyond, running along the water's edge with the child, both of them splashing one another. At one point, Stella took the little girl in her arms and hugged her. Turning toward him, he smiled seeing that Stella, his Stella, was showing a little pregnant belly.

Mac began to wake up, moving lazily. In those moments between sleep and consciousness he smiled, remembering perfectly the images and sounds of the dream he had. The sea breeze, the sand, Stella, Claire... and a little girl and a little one more yet to be born. He smiled to himself, as he also had last night flashes, images full of love and more than that, passion. He wouldn't deny that they had exceeded the limits in the realm of lust, but considering the years of waiting, he didn't think it was cause for punishment. Their sexual agreement was total and rewarding, that glorious body of hers fitted on his as if they had been created as one piece. Neither of them had felt strange sharing everything with each other, on the contrary, it seemed that they simply completed one another, returning to an initial starting point in which they would have been only one. They fitted where they really belonged.

He had to tell Stella his dream, what Claire had said. He reached out with the hope of finding the body of a goddess at his side, but she was gone. He sat up to try to locate her, and then his head reminded him how much he had drunk the night before with a painful sting followed by a kind of vertigo. He lay back, breathing calmly. "Great hangover, Mac Taylor," he said to himself, "You'll need a whole box of aspirin..."

After a few moments, he stood up again, this time very slowly. His temples throbbed and seemed as if his brain didn't fit inside his skull and wanted to explode it and expand. He got up slowly and still completely naked he came out of the bedroom to try to find Stella, the love of his life. The bathroom door was open and she wasn't there. He went to the kitchen. She wasn't there either, but he decided to prepare coffee and find the aspirins. When he entered, the first thing he noticed was a folded sheet of paper next to the coffee maker. On the outside it had only a word "Mac".

He thought maybe she had gone out to buy for breakfast or lunch. He couldn't imagine that what he was about to read would affect his life, a life he had believed that after what had happened the night before, was on the right track towards a happy future.

"Where have you gone Stella?" he murmured as he poured a cup of coffee and sat slowly. He opened the paper and was surprised because it had quite a lot of text. No one writes so much to say that she had gone shopping. He tried to focus his eyes on the note.

_Dear Mac, I'm sorry if this is going to hurt... _

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><p><strong><strong>_To be continued..._


	10. Chapter 10

The characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series.

Again and again, thank you Lily Moonlight for your help with this English version.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 9**

Mac Taylor was paralyzed reading Stella's note, right there in her kitchen, ridiculously naked with a cup of coffee in his hand. His head felt as if it was about to explode, and he almost wished it would. He didn't understand anything. They had shared the most wonderful night of love in the world, the best of his life and he was about to say the best of hers also, judging by the way she had behaved, and now this...

Returning to the bedroom, he put the note down on the messed bed while rescuing his clothes that had been scattered all around the room the night before and got dressed. He looked again at the last line of the note, which still beat in his brain.

_The last of the undesirable guys that have visited my bed._

Did she think that of him? Sure, she was using his own words, but he had said them in the heat of an argument. And now he was only one more on the list. Why did he have to talk that way, even when he didn't feel it? He had only wanted to win a dispute, and now he was beginning to pay dearly. Why had Stella wanted to get away? He could apologize, he wanted to, because he was totally wrong with everything he had said, but she had given him no time, and if they didn't fix that anger soon, everything would be more difficult.

What was clear was that she didn't want to see him, and the note was the main proof. She didn't want him to be there when she returned home, and he would respect that. He turned from the doorway of the bedroom and the sight of the messy bed made him smile, despite everything. It reminded him of so many times when he and Stella had shared the search for evidence at a crime scene. Evidence of sexual activity... He was sure in that bed were all possible traces, because the "activity" had been continuous and exhausting. Hairs and fluids of all possible body locations, his DNA intimately and inseparably mixed with Stella's... He just hoped that everything he had hoped to share with her wasn't reduced to traces in that bed he now was leaving behind. She wanted time, he would give her time; she wanted space, he would respect her needs, he would stay away enough days to leave her to think about things, her complete holidays, if needed.

It had been three weeks since Stella's birthday and no one had seen her since then. Lindsay had spoken to her on the phone a couple of times, she seemed to be travelling, enjoying the vacation, and Lindsay had sent her the latest pictures of Lucy by email. Stella had received them and had answered saying how beautiful the child looked, but she had not told anyone where she was.

Mac struggled every day not to call, trying to keep the distance she needed to clear her mind, as she had requested. But not knowing where or how she was tortured him.

That morning, the Department's budgets for the last semester would be finally approved. Chief Sinclair's Office had sent Mac the final reports as the head of the CSI Unit. Mac was distracted, such a tedious task doomed him one morning every half a year, reviewing numbers and expense forecasts, always insufficient for the constant renewal that a laboratory like theirs needed. Something in the budget for staff costs attracted his attention in the final summary. Mac knew approximately the total amount of each chapter and it seemed that the total wasn't correct... He compared in his computer the total of the previous semester and effectively, the amount in the new budget was lower; the difference being equivalent to the cost of one person's salary. He read back over the new report until the staff chapter. He hoped they hadn't reduce their salaries, that was just what they needed after having to renounce earlier this year to the corresponding rise because of the economic crisis... But there was something wrong. Suddenly, his heart sank. Among the list of the lab staff there was a missing name. Stella Bonasera wasn't in her usual place, under his own name, following him in the hierarchy of command. Her place was empty. Mac tried to breathe calmly, but he couldn't. It was impossible. It couldn't be right that Stella had left her post. It simply couldn't be, because she would have told him. Or was she going to let it be that he learned about it by the Department budget? Of course, if it was like that, it was the proof that she didn't want him anymore. "Calm, Mac, calm." He should make sure, maybe it was just a mistake, someone who accidentally deleted a line in the staff's list, a simple typo that would be immediately corrected. He took the folder and went to Sinclair's office. The Chief was also reviewing the same documents, so when his secretary told him that Mac Taylor wanted to talk about the budgets he ask him to enter immediately without clearing the table. Mac came up, the report open on the page in question.

"No way to get more money, Mac, I swear I've taken up juggling to try and balance the numbers and I can't think of anything better. The new spectrometry machine we talked about will have to wait at least another semester."

"It isn't the machine I wanted to ask about. It's this..." He put on the table the page of staff costs, with the listing. "Stella's missing... Why does her name not appear and why is there no indication of her salary?"

Sinclair looked totally surprised. He was going to speak, but stopped and thought better of what he was going to say.

"Stella hasn't spoken to you?"

"I haven't seen her for three weeks, since she went on vacation, and no, I haven't talked to her. What is this about? "

"Well Mac, this is unusual, she said she would tell you..."

Mac's heart was beating a mile a minute, and he was also starting to feel the beats in the veins of his neck and head. Then, it wasn't a mistake, Stella wasn't in the budget because she no longer worked there...

"When did she tell you that?"

"The very morning of her birthday, which was her last day of work, right?"

"What do you mean it was her last day? Where is she now? "

"I don't know, Mac, I really don't know. And what I knew I couldn't tell you because I promised... She said she would speak to you, so you will know what she wants... What's wrong with you two? I thought you were the best of friends"

"I thought so too, sir, I thought so."

Mac picked up the report, signed it and left it right there on the table. He never wanted to see it again. He went down by the stairs and he had to stop for breath a few minutes on the landing, before entering his floor. He couldn't believe it, he couldn't. Paler than ever, he stood next to Stella's office and he entered taking a deep breath. He hadn't done so in all these days, since there was no need. Stella had done all her paperwork, nothing remained at her table as pending. Now he paid attention, which hadn't done in the previous days when he had passed in front. The photos she always had on the desk had disappeared, and so had those that had hung on the wall, the team, Lucy, and that one with himself and Stella dressed in blue uniforms which he knew was one of her favourites. How hadn't he noticed? He sat in the chair and opened the right drawer of the desk. There it was, her badge on a note that simply said. "Deliver to MacTaylor." Along with the note, the delivery receipt of her gun to the Armoury of the Department. Mac leaned his elbows on the table and rested his face in his hands, trying to breathe calmly. "Stella, what have you done... what have you done to me… to us?" He closed the drawer all of a sudden, angry.

Lindsay had seen Mac enter by the door of the staircase, white as a sheet, and go to Stella's office. She had been unable to avert her eyes from his movements, which had alarmed her. She hadn't gone either to Stella's office, which had remained with the lights off because its owner was away. Mac's attitude was intriguing her, and she headed there just as she saw Mac close the drawer with violence, get up and leave. He almost went straight into her, and yet he seemed that he didn't see her, his eyes empty of expression and bright with... tears? She saw him enter his own office, take something from a drawer and come out to the elevators, not looking at anything or anyone. Lindsay then went to Stella's office and a few seconds were enough to notice. There were no personal things, none of the framed photos or anything to betray that that office belonged to Stella Bonasera. She approached the desk and opened the drawer that she had seen Mac close with rage. She was dumbfounded with what she saw. There was a badge and a receipt for the weapon of Detective Stella Bonasera, the summary of her identity in the New York Police Department, as a member of the CSI.

He didn't know how, because his head didn't seem able to coordinate a single coherent thought, but he had arrived. Mac was in the building in which Stella had her apartment. He went to her door and opened it with the key she had given him just in case and which he kept in his office. The blinds were almost down, and the furniture covered with sheets. In the bedroom, he opened the cupboards. Nothing was left hanging, but there were closed boxes. He looked in the drawers. What remained was in bags, as well as some winter clothes, placed on the shelves, in transparent bags. Now he was sure, she had not only left the Unit, but also the city. But why and for how long? On the entrance table were several letters, carefully placed. The one on the top had the date of two days ago... Surely the porter collected her mail.

When he left, he went to the concierge room. He knew him.

"Hello, Inspector! Have you had to pick something up at Detective Bonasera's apartment? She already told me you had a key"

Mac decided to act cautiously to try to get as much information as possible.

"Just checking that everything is correct... But I bet she also asked you to do that"

"You're right, Sir, Miss Stella trusts me. I will air the house each week and take care that it doesn't collect dust and dirt. She has been very generous, she has not only paid one year's rent in advance, but gave me a wonderful tip as well... It wasn't necessary, because I would watch just the same for her things, but you know her..."

"Yes, that's Stella. She asked me to check if there was something important in the mail, but I've seen that you've picked up what there was until now, only the usual bills"

"Yes, nothing unusual so far. Do you want me to let you know if there are any strange letters? Seeing as she's out of the country..." Mac's heart jumped. Then, she was abroad...

"She hasn't sent me her address yet. What about you?"

"No, she told me not to worry, that she would be inEuropeat least half a year and certainly after that time she would pass by here, but she wasn't sure if it would be to stay... I miss her already, Sir, she is an angel."

Mac took one of his cards and handed it to the man.

"Yeah, I miss her, too. If there's anything out of the ordinary, call me, please, here's my number." Mac said goodbye to the man with a handshake.

Sitting in his car, Mac leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Stella had left without even saying goodbye. Department budgets and a porter had opened his eyes, because the love of his life hadn't told him that she was leaving. She had left the CSI unit to move toEurope, for at least half a year... Stella, why?

He took the note that he had carried in his pocket during those three weeks. He didn't need to read it, because he knew the text by heart, but he recreated his pain seeing Stella's large handwriting.

_Dear Mac, I'm sorry if this is going to hurt... but I can't continue. What we shared last night was wonderful, I had never felt so good with anyone... but I don't want to base our relationship on it and act as if nothing more had happened. Mac, you had a lot to drink, and it's a lot to allow yourself to look for something more than just the friendship that we shared all these years. I don't want our future to be settled on such a weak foundation. I know I like you, but I wonder if you really love me. I just want to be not only the woman in your life, but also the woman in your dreams, a place that I'm not sure I still have. I want it all, I am so selfish, and I probably expect too much, perhaps undeservedly._

_I need time and space, so I ask you to give it to me, let me calm myself. I need a break that allows me to think clearly, something I can't do if you're around. Everything is so hard! When I clear my mind, we'll see if you still want to try a relationship, I don't know if then you'll decide it's worth it, or if you just feel like the last of the undesirable guys that have visited my bed..._

_Stella_

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	11. Chapter 11

The characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series.

Thank you Lily Moonlight for the continous help with this English version.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 10**

The following days have been hell for Mac Taylor. His mood alternated between anger, despair, disbelief, sadness... Why, Stella? Above all, why without saying goodbye, without talking about things, without negotiation, without reaching an agreement, without leaving him to be a part of her life? He knew he deserved some punishment, but not this. He hadn't said anything to the team, yet, but he knew that Lindsay knew. The way she had looked at him the following day, with tears that welled in her eyes seeing Mac's tormented face, and the way she grabbed his arm as they looked each other, were the confirmation. He knew that she had discovered it too, but neither of them said anything.

Lindsay had phoned Stella immediately after her discovery the previous day, but she had received no answer. Stella's phone number was disconnected. At the end of her shift, she had sent an e-mail, with return receipt request. When she arrived the next morning and checked her mail, she saw the confirmation. Stella kept in touch somehow, even though there wasn't a reply to Lindsay's questions.

_Stella, what's happened? Today I was in your office and your personal belongings aren't there. When are you coming back? I think Mac saw it just before me, and he was really upset. He left without saying goodbye, without even finishing the shift. Didn't you say anything to him either? I don't understand... Stella, please, tell me what's going on. You know we're friends, you can trust me. I can't believe you went somewhere else long term without telling me._

_You know we love you anyway. That will always be so, whatever happens. Remember this, please._

_Kisses_

_Lindsay_

Mac waited all week and on Friday morning, he went to his team. He asked Sid to come too, and when he arrived Mac began to speak.

" I don't know how to explain this... But I have to inform you that Stella won't be returning to work on Monday like we all expected. She has left the Department and I think the country, but I don't actually know." As much as he was trying to speak with a normal attitude and tone, the knot that had formed in his throat prevented him. He felt powerless to confess that Stella had left without telling him, and he had no idea where she was or what she intended to do. All of them were stunned. Sid was the first to react

"Have you talked to Sinclair? He has to know, if she didn't hand her resignation to you, she had to give it to him. Or better, perhaps she didn't resign and she has only taken an extended leave of absence, or whatever. But he has to know it." Sid said that with a shocked expression in his face, playing nervously with his glasses.

"He doesn't know much, and if he does know anything else, he hasn't told me, it seems he's promised Stella. But he also believed that Stella would have spoken to me, and he was quite surprised that she hadn't, I think his surprise was genuine. I don't know what happened, I really don't know. "

"Well, the day of her birthday ended rather unpleasantly, she was upset at you for something, Mac, and you drank a lot. She left the club shortly after you did, and that's the last time we saw her." Lindsay spoke now in a sad tone that was just a sigh.

"That had been settled, I saw her afterwards... I went to her home to apologize." Now all regarded him with questioning eyes, but Mac didn't want to tell them more. What would he say? That they had gone to bed and made love passionately, as many times as his energy had allowed it? That then he had slept more deeply and peacefully than in his entire life, waking up alone and that the only trace of Stella until today was a note in which she indirectly called him undesirable? He couldn't tell them that.

"I talked to her two days later and once again that first week." Lindsay again attracted Mac's attention. "The first time she said she was fine, just she had had a hangover that lasted longer than she thought, but that her birthday was unforgettable, and the night even more so. I didn't understand what she meant." Mac hoped he hadn't significantly reddened, but luckily nobody seemed to connect the fact that he had gone to apologize, to that Stella had spent a great night.

His only comfort was that at least it was not an illusion of his. What word had Lindsay used repeating Stella's own? Unforgettable. Yes, it really was the most appropriate adjective. Passionate, had also served. Intense, sweet, full, also went well...

He had been distracted from what Lindsay was still saying. "At the end of the week, I called her again and she said she was travelling, she had many things to see and maybe it would take us a while to contact each other again... but I thought it would be during the time her holidays lasted, a month at the most. And now this... I didn't think Stella would do something like this. She knows we all worry about her."

Mac felt the need to apologize for her in front of the others, even when he didn't accept the apology himself.

"Stella was alone most of her life, no one cared about her and she hadn't to think about the feelings of her loved ones, simply because there were no such loved ones. And I think she still isn't used to thinking of anyone as a permanent presence in her life, despite all this time. If she knew that we are in her life to stay, she knew that she can't go and leave us like this, without knowing about her, because we care very much..." His voice had gone down to a whisper. He lifted his head, sighed and turned toward the door. "That was it, we'll keep working."

Everyone started to leave without talking, because nobody knew what to say. They couldn't get used to the idea that Stella wouldn't be there everyday... Heck, if in the few days that it was supposed to be her vacation everybody missed already her voice, her laugh, her mere presence that seemed to light up the lab. Everything would be darker without Stella Bonasera's golden brown curls floating over her shoulders with each step, without seeing her daily with that motion of her hands while talking and that walk of hers, with all the grace of a ballerina. Everyone went to their place to continue their previous activity, thoughtfully.

Adam had said nothing, but after a short impasse in which he seemed to decide where to start, he sat at his computer and his hands began to fly over the keyboard. Well, he had done this thousands of times with all kind of investigations. It would be easy. He would track every trace, that is, everything. In this modern life, we unwittingly leave traces of everything we do, liking or not. Almost all of our common acts end in an electronic transaction. Phone calls, card payments, bookings, including the actual location of our mobile phones via GPS. Stella didn't want them to know where she was, he didn't care, he would discover it.

Barely half an hour later, his frustration couldn't be greater. Stella had actually disappeared from the world. Three days after her birthday, all data relating to her had been blocked. Even the second call that Lindsay had mentioned didn't appear, only the first. The last thing in which her name appeared was the purchase of a plane ticket toWashingtonand a reservation for four nights in a downtown hotel in the capital. After that, nothing. He didn't even find if the hotel had been paid with her card. From a certain point, the system didn't provide information about her, either by the name or by cards, bank account or Social Security numbers... When he tried with his identification as a member of the NYPD the message was that his accreditation wasn't enough.

He went to Mac's office with the frustrating results. They tried to access the information with Mac's accreditation, which also proved inadequate. Adam was confused.

"This is like a change of personality, or a change of identity, Mac. I only saw something similar in a case where we tried to query some information about a protected witness"

"But Stella is not involved in anything unusual... and neither was she called to testify in any pending case, to my knowledge." Mac was scratching his head, tired and thoughtful, "Check her computer to see what she was dealing with."

Stella's computer gave Adam further frustration. Hell, she had erased all but the work folders and files, which were also in the disk files copies; the same that were on the network server, and that everyone could see and consult. Nothing strange about that. But on a personal level, there wasn't any clue. Adam sought the trail of deleted files on the hard disk and found that she had formatted it. Good pupil, Stella! Now he regretted having taught her to erase the traces of her passage through a computer system. Still, his talent made him miraculously recover in a damaged sector a remnant of the recently used applications, an e-mail message and its response to arrival. The texts were missing, but he found a part of the address. The domain belonging to the nation's government, the decipherable part of the address corresponded to the State Department. Mac had joined him in the latter part of the search and they watched one another, helpless. They had just directly and violently crashed into a wall.

Almost three months Stella Bonasera had spent in Athens. She was beginning to feel good despite the heat. The first weeks had been a nightmare, with the nerves caused by her new responsibilities, the desire to do her job properly and all the nostalgia about Mac and her friends in New York, who were really her only family. Every night, alone in her bed, she couldn't stop mourning. Her body yearned for another body that complemented hers perfectly, and that, although their union had been limited to one night, seemed have lasted a lifetime. Her hands and mouth looked for him in the dark to wake up believing inhale his scent... to find nothing but emptiness and loneliness...

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	12. Chapter 12

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series.

But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine!

Thanks to Lily Moonlight a thousand times for the help with the English text.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 11**

Getting rid of feeling jet-lagged had taken Stella several weeks, she had felt tired almost always and although she loved the Greek food, during the two months following her arrival it all made her sick. But, finally, it seemed that the problem was over now, she was sleeping deeply and enjoying a voracious appetite... In fact in recent days she had gained weight, she was noticing the effect on her clothes, and even her face had rounded. She'd have to start thinking about controlling herself... but she didn't know if she'd be able to, while Maria Kostopoulos was in charge of her home. She smiled at the thought of her. That was another recent novelty, too, wanting to smile again, despite everything.

She stretched on her bed, arms and legs outstretched. The sun's rays of the Saturday morning which she didn't have to work filtered through the curtains and caressed her curls, putting golden sparkles in them. She had awakened, as every day, believing she had Mac's smell, the warmth of his body next to her, his hand on her waist like that last and only morning they had shared. Now this thought didn't make her mourn as it had for weeks. With the distance and the time Stella's mind had calmed down, and those words that Mac had said in dreams to his late wife didn't seem so terrible. Gee, he was dreaming, and no one can control his dreams. She had never given him an opportunity to tell her what it was about. Dreams can recreate implausible stories, transport you to another time. Perhaps that night he had felt so happy after so much time that his subconscious had led him to the happy days of his marriage to Claire, and the dream had to do with it. Perhaps he didn't even remember when he woke up, as often happens. Perhaps… She didn't even know what to think now.

Muted noises were heard in the house. It had to be Maria, surely in the kitchen. She didn't have to come on Saturdays, but she always came in the morning to have food cooked and the house tidy for Stella. Stella let the woman spoil her, because no one had ever had so much concern for her well-being everyday; what she ate, what she wore... her clothes had never before been so neat, clean, ironed and ready when needed.

When Stella arrived at Athens, some of her fears dissipated. She had feared having to face the search for an apartment to her liking, although the conditions of her contract clearly stated that the US Embassy would provide her a home, and she didn't want to waste time in organizing her daily life while her whole attention should be in taking control of her new job, which didn't seem an easy task.

The week she had spent in Washington allowed her to know what was expected of her. She was introduced to the Chiefs of Departments she should coordinate to design a new routine for all matters relating to the safety of American personnel abroad, starting with Europe. It was planned that routine should become the basic protocol to be followed worldwide. Above all, she had to prepare the visits of the President to the area and activate the special security measures for the leading personalities of the nation. She had even visited the White House and met the security officials with whom she should have to deal personally in the future.

Stella was surprised about the amount of things she had learned that week about the national security systems. Her status had changed, she had been advised that from the moment they took over her documentation and wrote the contract, and from that date, all her personal details became confidential, as befitting her new position, so that no one could track her movements or whereabouts. This would allow her to avoid Mac for the time she wanted, Stella had thought, pretty sure that he would look for her. The thought had disturbed her then, and it continued to do so every time it returned to her mind. What would have been Mac's reaction upon seeing that he couldn't follow her steps, despite the expertise of those hands (Adam's, surely) that consulted the computer?

Fortunately, the fear of not finding an appropriate home had vanished when she had arrived in Athens. The driver who had been assigned took care of her and her luggage at the airport, and after presenting herself at the Embassy and being immediately greeted with all deference by the ambassador, the secretary of staff had accompanied her to her new home. It wasn't far from downtown but in an extremely quiet residential neighbourhood, where almost all the houses were occupied by staff of the diplomatic corps in the Greek capital, most of them from the embassy and the American colony. The house, a villa in Mediterranean style, had white walls and a red tile roof. It wasn't too big but compared to what Stella had had so far it was huge. There was a lovely garden too, perfectly kept, and even a private pool. It was decorated in bright colours and lots of white, so it looked like a clean and really happy place. Stella loved it.

She could barely believe that, furthermore, under the terms of her contract, the embassy took care of all expenses and she didn't have to pay anything, not even the salary of her brand new housekeeper. And there she was, Maria, on that first day, receiving her with a very formal handshake, until she heard Stella reply to her greeting in Greek, which earned her a hug. Maria was also hired by the embassy, and in her many years of service to the diverse staff who had passed throughAthens, not one of her masters had spoken Greek so fluently, or even taken the trouble to learn a few words. So, Stella speaking fluent Greek had been wonderful for a woman like her, who was cheerful and communicative. In a few days Stella became to Maria more her little girl than her mistress. She loved Stella from the beginning, with her beautiful curls, her beautiful green eyes and her smile so... sad. The contrast between the sweetness of her eyes and the sadness they betrayed intrigued Maria deeply. And soon came those days when Stella was feeling so bad, even though she prepared her the best meals, healthy and light. She arrived in the morning before Stella left for work and she heard her throw up most of the days, she saw her with dark circles from the lack of sleep, and a fatigue that seemed not to abandon her... Maria had been worried sick until she became convinced that Stella wasn't sick.

Only a week after her installation, Stella already knew her housekeeper's life in every detail. Originally from one of the Dodecanese islands, the tiny Arki, her husband, a fisherman, had died in a shipwreck. With his son less than one year old, the young widow had emigrated to Athens with the hope of finding a better life and willing to avoid her child following the almost inevitable destiny of being a fisherman like his ancestors had been for generations. Soon she had found work, hard and poorly paid, as a woman of service, and after a few years she had succeeded, thanks to her great references, to enter the cleaning staff at the American Embassy. From there she moved to keep the family homes of diplomats, which was more relaxed and thoughtful work. She had tried to give her son a good education, she had insisted that he learned English, and she had been lucky that her Kostas was a smart and responsible boy, mindful of the sacrifices his mother made for him. Now, thirty years old, her young man, with an academic qualification in Electronics, tall, handsome and bilingual, was the Chief of Maintenance Service Systems to the American Embassy and all the buildings attached to it, with a forty people team under his command. Every so often he insisted to his mother that she leave her job, but she didn't intend to until her retirement, a life of leisure didn't fit at all with her. The only sorrow Maria had about her son was that he wasn't married yet, but lately it seemed that he had a girlfriend who had lasted longer than the previous ones and, better still, she seemed to be a good girl, pretty, polite and hardworking. She owned a bookshop in downtown Athens, where she worked personally, and apparently the business was going very well.

So, Stella knew all about Maria and her family, but the amount of information hadn't been reciprocated. Maria sensed that there was a man in Stella's life who had caused her sorrow, but she said nothing. One day, not long ago, Maria had found one of Stella's earrings on the carpet beside the bed. To avoid it being lost, she opened the top drawer of the bedside table to leave it there, and then she had seen the picture, placed in a frame. Why, she had thought, does this girl not put the photo on the bedside table, instead of leaving it in the drawer? That was a sign that she didn't want to see it, but at the same time she wanted to keep it close... Oh, God, what could be the story behind this... She looked closely at the picture. It was Stella, and a rather handsome man, older than her but not too much... his skin was very white, and his blue eyes and the smile seemed to show a calm and reliable temperament. The two were dressed in blue police uniforms. Was he the object of Stella's sorrow? She had thought it would be a guy she would hate, but however, and although she understood the absurdity of making value judgments by a single picture, she was almost certain that the man was worth it. But then... what had happened? But she hoped that everything would be fixed as events take their course and that this girl would not be alone in the situation she was in... She sighed, closed the drawer with the picture inside and left the earring on the table. If Stella wanted her to see the picture, she would put it in a visible place; in the meantime, she wouldn't say anything. As much as she found it hard to live with the intrigue.

Stella looked at the clock the next time she opened her eyes and saw that it was nearly ten o'clock. Lord bless... she had slept twelve hours, this was a record for her, she didn't ever remember doing it. Beating the sweet laziness she was in, she took a shower and dressed in light clothing, as another hot day was coming. She went to the kitchen trying to fasten the button on the waistband without success. She was still trying when Maria greeted her with her sonorous and reliable voice.

"Kalimera, princess. Today, Sleeping Beauty"

"Kalimera, Maria... I think we have to move the button in these pants too... They fitted me fine two weeks ago! I have to eat less."

"I have to eat less! Here we go again! You'll have to eat more, to recover you from the weeks you vomited almost every day." Maria had spoken to Stella from day one more like a daughter to protect than the lady of the house who employed her. The helplessness she saw in that young girl when she came to Greece had hit the older woman, driving her to care for her and love her almost immediately, and much more when she knew her character realizing her sweetness and the sadness she carried.

"Maria, that's more than recovered... Have you not noticed I don't fit in these clothes?"

"That is natural..." Maria was squeezing oranges for a giant juice. She poured it into the glass and put it in Stella's hand.

"Fresh Vitamins, this will feed you without making you gain weight. And then the milk and toast, and the best yogurt in the world, the one which Maria makes for you. All natural and healthy, that's what you need." While taking Stella the juice, Maria had gone and come back in an instant with needle, thread and scissors. She sat down and drew Stella to herself, so that Stella's waist was at the height of her sight and hands.

"Let's fix this." She cut the stitches that secured the button and began to sew it again at the end of the waistband, her actions happening in a heartbeat. When she finished, before fastening it, she brought her face to Stella's waist and planted a resounding kiss on her navel. Stella laughed because of the tickling. But the next thing Maria said almost caused her to drop the glass in surprise.

"You will be here when the baby is born, or you will have returned to America already?"

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><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	13. Chapter 13

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine!

Thanks again to Lily Moonlight for the help. She has that touch to make the text to seem better.

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><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 12**

The astonishment in Stella's face and her jump back also scared Maria.

"You're pregnant, right?"

Stella had been paralyzed, the glass in her hand and her mouth opened. Maria took the glass before she spilled the juice left, and made Stella sit down. After that, she couldn't stop walking around the spacious kitchen.

"Don't tell me you didn't know it... Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You didn't know it! But my girl... The vomiting, the tiredness and now the loss of your waist... And look at your breasts, my baby... Besides, how long ago haven't you had your period? Not since you're here! Remember that I clean your bathroom! How is that you didn't notice?"

Stella couldn't say anything, she only began to cry. Maria went to her, and hugged her as she was, standing in front of her. Stella buried her face in the woman's belly, and Maria wrapped her with her arms, stroking her hair.

"Hush sweetheart, hush, _kardia-mou(*)_. Don't cry, my princess, this is a great joy, the greatest thing in a woman's life. Don't ever be sad."

A few minutes passed like this, Maria gently rocking a tearful Stella. When she calmed, the older woman tried to downplay the issue.

"What have I said, you have to eat!" She put the milk to heat, while Stella finished the orange juice. It was useless to protest, so she nibbled at her toast, then a bowl of homemade yogurt whose secret recipe only Maria knew, and which was something delicious.

Stella was unable to stop thinking. How she hadn't realized? The work had been very demanding, and she was putting her five senses to do it better than good, but still... God, if she hadn't had her period since she was inGreeceand she hadn't even noticed! She had always been very irregular, but so much... It seemed as if her mind had refused to heed the signals her body sent it.

A baby! A child of her and Mac, maybe a little girl... She couldn't help but smile. Maria sighed at her, finally a smile that had reached Stella's eyes and had lit up her entire face. She couldn't be more beautiful.

"You'll have to do a test to confirm it, and then go to the doctor. Now, with those modern pregnancy tests that they advertise on TV, you only have to pee and it tells you in a few minutes if yes, if not, how far along you are and the father's name and surname, if necessary..." Maria stopped suddenly, regretting her words. "It's a joke," she said, quietly. Stella laughed at Maria's scared face.

"Don't worry, that last bit of information I know well. And how much time, too. The farewell toNew Yorkwas big," She stretched and couldn't help but look at her chest. "God, I'm getting huge... How could I not have noticed?"

"Huge? Is that what you call huge? It will be better to keep huge as a description for a few months' time. By now you're lovely, you're just taking back what you lost after the first weeks of vomiting... I already knew that it wasn't my food that made you sick! What do you feel like today? Take advantage I'm touched by the news and now you can get from me whatever you want..."

"María, how would I think about eating now seeing as I just had breakfast... In addition, you always do what I want."

"That's true, you rascal, with that angel's face, I can't deny you anything" She came over and hugged her. "You'll have a cute baby... unless the other half involved in this affair is ugly ugly... "

Stella smiled, knowing where Maria was going. Sure she was dying to know the person responsible for this.

"In fact he's pretty handsome, at least he is to me." She went to the bedroom and returned with the framed photo she kept in her bedside table, which Maria had already seen. Stella showed it to her. Maria put funny faces like doubt, twisting her mouth, raising eyebrows...

"Hmmmm... Well... He isn't as handsome as my Kostas, not by far... So pale... The hair seems that it's getting scarce, and he isn't exactly a kid anymore..." She looked at Stella and suddenly she burst out laughing. "No, princess, I find him gorgeous! You will have a beautiful baby, guaranteed! And surely it will be big, you both are... Sweetheart, I don't envy you when you have to give birth!"

Stella, not concentrating fully on what Maria was saying, ran her hand over Mac's face on the picture. Now she had to think how to deal with all this, how to tell him and when. She still had to stay inAthensfor three more months, until Christmas. Should she expect to return to tell him the news, or it would be too long? It was so great that she didn't want to tell him by the phone or in an e-mail, but so important that she couldn't deprive him of that information. And being pregnant she couldn't go toNew Yorkfor a weekend and back only to tell him personally, a trip so heavy wasn't convenient. What to do?

Maria left shortly afterwards, once she was convinced that Stella was good and lively. Every Saturday her son took her to have lunch in a restaurant, and she had already to get ready. Spending money foolishly, she always said, in expensive places where the food wasn't better than what she prepared at home... but her son wanted her to feel like a queen, and, at least once a week, have other people serving her. He really was a great kid.

Stella went to the city shortly after lunch. She wanted to buy the pregnancy test and do it for safety. Then she had to ask someone who could recommend her a good gynaecologist... She thought about her neighbour Betty Connors, the wife of the embassy attaché, who was pregnant and already quite advanced. She was a lovely woman whom she saw often, because she lived close enough and she probably could give her a name. After asking her, surely all the embassy would know what was happening, but she didn't care. In a matter of weeks it would be more than obvious anyway... She sighed. How she wished that Mac was with her, to accompany her to her appointment with the doctor, to be there for the first ultrasound, to be here even when in a few hours she knew the test result.

In New York, Mac Taylor had a sacred obligation on Saturday afternoons. Since he had dared to take his goddaughter Lucy Messer for a walk, he had done it every Saturday, always with Stella until she had gone from their lives. Both of them and the baby had gone through all the city parks, had visited children's fairs even when the baby just didn't realize anything, and had had fun when so often people thought they were a beautiful little family. Mac hadn't stopped the habit, because the time with Lucy was now the only event truly dear to his heart, the only thing he looked forward to with joy each week. Lucy was able to walk now, she ran, in fact, so Saturday afternoons were an adventure that left him exhausted but, for one day, happy.

Lindsay saw the sadness in Mac's face every time he went to take the little girl to share those hours. She knew he remembered all those evenings he and Stella had come for the same reason, always laughing and making continuously jokes with the "godfather" - "godmother" thing. Lindsay knew Mac knew she guessed who he was thinking about, and that it was the same as she thought, but they didn't mention Stella. Only Mac's smile seeing his goddaughter made up for the sadness of those times. How could Stella do that to them? Lindsay had received just one message from her, apologizing for the delay in answering to the one she had sent her. She said she was fine, and asked Lindsay not worry about her, that someday she would tell her everything. She said also that she wasn't gone forever, that she loved and missed them and asked her to continue sending Lucy's pictures. Before Mac came out with the baby this Saturday, Lindsay took them a couple of snapshots, two smiling faces looking at each other adoringly, and the same faces looking at the camera, smiling too. As they left, Lindsay went to her computer, copied the photos and sent them to Stella. She wanted her friend to see images of what she knew Stella wanted most in the world, despite the weird turn in her life in the recent months. That discussion Mac and she had... How was it possible that the consequences would have gone so far? When she pressed "send" she tried to imagine where the pictures with the smiling faces of her daughter and Mac were travelling, and what effect it would cause in Stella when she received them. When she had received Stella's message, she had commissioned Adam to track it, but his attempt had been thwarted again. The server that the message came from was inaccessible and opaque to achieve results about it. It was clear that they would know about Stella when she wanted them to.

Back at home, Stella had become extremely nervous. What if, after all, she wasn't pregnant? She read the instructions carefully and prepared herself to follow them correctly. Well, it wasn't so difficult. Once done, she left the test stand in the bathroom and she sat down in the living room, trying to relax. She took the music player remote control and pressed the play button. A couple of songs would be the equivalent to the time she had to wait. Suddenly, her heart sank.

_There's a somebody I'm longing to see..._ Began the song. Why right now, at this very moment, did fate chose that song? Tears began to stream down her face as Ella Fitzgerald continued singing.

_I hope that he turns out to be _

_someone who'll watch over me _

Stella tipped her head back, breathing deeply.

_Although he may not be the man some _

_Girls think of as handsome, _

_To my heart he carries the key... _

Why had she loaded all those old songs that could only make her feel nostalgic? Still a tear slid with the last verse _"Someone to watch over me"_, when she recognized the opening notes of the following song. Stella's smile preceded Rod Stewart in his soft entry. God... Was she going mad or did all in this day seemed to be connected?

_Smile,_

_Though your heart is aching…_

_Smile,_

_Even though it's breaking_

_When there are clouds in the sky,_

_You'll get by if you…_

_Smile_

_Through your fear and sorrow_

_Smile_

_And maybe tomorrow_

_You'll see the sun_

_Come shining through_

_For you_

_Light up your face with gladness_

_Hide every trace of sadness_

_Although a tear may be ever so near_

_That's the time_

_You must keep on trying_

_Smile,_

_What's the use of crying?_

_You'll find that life_

_Is still worth-while_

_If you just…_

_Smile_

With a smile, Stella went to the bathroom, hoping to confirm what she now wanted more than anything in the world. "The greatest thing in a woman's life" said Maria, "Is for you to carry the son of the man you love as your own life."

_(*) Kardia-mou means sweetheart in Greek _

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	14. Chapter 14

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine!

Thanks to Lily Moonlight for helping me so much. Have I ever said it?

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 13**

Evidently, Maria was right. Fourteen weeks of pregnancy, that's what the test clearly said. It didn't state that Mac Taylor was the one responsible, as Maria had joked, but Stella knew that perfectly well, as well as the exact date of conception – the night of her birthday. Although which of the times, that night... Stella laughed heartily. Probably the first one, since Mac's swimmers in that first round had taken position with that tiny lead before the others. When Mac and Stella did target practice together, she always used to joke about his good aim... Well, she could say now with certainty that when Mac Taylor shot any of his weapons, he was always right on target. Always!

Maria phoned later in the evening to check the test results. Stella heard her scream when she confirmed it to her. But rather than overwhelming her, the constant attention of the older woman made her feel loved, well cared for, even spoiled. She imagined what it might have been like feeling that way when she had needed it as a child, or teenager, when she hadn't dared to seek advice from anyone about her most intimate things. She had had no one to ask if she should let that guy who tried to kiss her do it, and what should be the right time? Should she have asked Sister Agnes? Or Professor Papakota, during one of his visits? Before entering thePoliceAcademy, she had been the eldest of the orphans living in St. Basil, and she had to manage to grow up alone. So, Maria taking care of her didn't bother her at all. Well, perhaps now with the pregnancy her overprotection would increase further, Stella was almost sure of that, but she didn't believe it would reach unacceptable levels. No, Maria was a charming, intelligent and good woman, there wouldn't be any problem.

Quietly sitting in her cozy living room that first night of September, Stella told herself she had to think how to tell Mac what was happening. If she hid it, he would not forgive her, not that. She decided to send him a message. Not to tell him "Hey, Mac, you're going to be a dad!", no, but something to let him know that despite the distance and silence, she kept thinking about him, about them. She wanted to tell him that she wasn't angry any more, that as more time away from him passed, the more she forgave his words, spoken in the context of a great concern for her. Now she saw that everything had been the result of the panic of thinking that something fatal might have happened during that shooting. And she thought to herself that surely dreaming about Claire didn't mean he didn't love her: After all, the good times with his wife would always be there in his memory, and the dreams were partly based in it.

When she opened the mail on her PC, Lindsay's message with the picture of Mac with Lucy in his arms suddenly filled the screen, putting a smile on Stella's face, similar to the one they both shared. The following picture warmed also Stella's heart. Mac smiled at Lindsay's camera in the most authentic way, all his features involved in it. Seeing that spark of joy in his eyes almost put a little tear in Stella's. Would he feel so happy when he knew that within a short time he could be holding his own child? Stella was almost sure he would. She had seen Mac with Lucy, and she had always thought that he would make an excellent father.

She began her message.

_Dear Mac,_

_I hope you've forgiven me for leaving without saying goodbye. I just couldn't._

Well, the beginning wasn't so bad. But how to tell him the most important thing, when something so big should be said face to face?

_I miss you every day, and as more time passes I understand better what happened. Our discussion was the product of a moment of fear on both, in part because of the uncertainty about the turn that our relationship was taking. I should never have written that note, Mac. Do not believe for a moment that I consider you equal to other men who passed through my life, it's just that your words had hurt me and I wanted to retaliate with the same weapons. But you've never been nor will be an undesirable for me._

Quite the contrary, Stella smiled as she thought. For ten years, Mac had seemed to her like the most desirable man... but that she wasn't going to write, this was serious.

_I would like to be by your side so we could talk. There is something very important I have to tell you, but I don't want to do it without being able to look into your eyes. In a few months I'll be back and I will have the opportunity to tell you, I just hope you don't decide then that I waited too long and that nothing coming from me interests you any more. I can't go back now, I have important commitments to fulfill, but I'll be in __New York__ at Christmas and maybe then we can decide what to do with our relationship and its consequences and how to face the future._

Anyway, she couldn't risk saying more, though it hurt her not being able to share it. When she returned toNew Yorkher pregnancy would be more than evident, seven full months... She wouldn't need to say anything; by the time Mac saw her he would understand what was happening. Maybe then he would be angry with her for hiding it from him... Would the joy of knowing that he was going to be a father exceed the anger of not having known it months before? God, what to do?

_I love you, Mac, with all my soul. I always will, come what may._

_Stella_

Prior to changing her mind, before deleting it and starting over, Stella clicked "Send", and was mesmerized watching the progression of the line indicating the message output, until its completion. When would Mac receive it? At this hour, in New York it was the afternoon. Lindsay had said in the message that Mac and Lucy had just left to go to the park. Perhaps he wouldn't open his mail until Monday, if he didn't check his email during the whole weekend to get his mind away from all the work issues. What would be his reaction when he did read it? Would he respond? Unlike Lindsay, he hadn't even once tried to contact her, respecting her request to give her time and space. But her new message meant a change. How would he take it? Closing her PC Stella decided to go to bed, sleep calling already her eyes and mind. She smiled, stretching. "This is for you" she murmured, stroking her little belly... "I never slept so much."

In New York, Mac had left an exhausted Lucy with her parents and he had headed home, no less tired. Now the little girl wanted to spend more time walking, other than being always in her stroller, it required him to be more aware of the little runner, whose self-confidence and speed increased day by day. He stopped at his favourite take-away restaurant to buy dinner and thought about enjoying some of his favourite movies, if he couldn't find anything on TV that he wanted to watch. Lindsay had invited him to have dinner with them, as she always did, and he had refused, also as usual, claiming exhaustion and the desire to go home and relax. It was pastmidnightwhen the movie he had been watching ended, and he collected the remains of his dinner. He was tired but not sleepy. It occurred to him to check his mail as he hadn't opened it throughout the day. His heart missed a beat seeing the sender of the last incoming mail. Stella.

_Dear Mac,_

_I hope you've forgiven me..._

Mac read the message in one go, barely breathing.

_... I love you, Mac, with all my soul. I always will, come what may._

_Stella_

It took him several minutes until Mac assimilated what he had read. He didn't know whether to smile or mourn. Stella loved him, and she wrote it. Nothing she could say, in person or by any other means, could be more important than that. Stella loved him with all her soul. But she was stubborn as only she could be and she wouldn't say where she was or why.

Calm Mac, calm. It doesn't matter, he told himself. She waited nearly ten years, you can wait four more months, or however long it takes.

He stretched his arms, leaning back in his chair and clasped his hands behind his neck. Stella loved him, and she always would, no matter what...

He had to respond. Now she had contacted him, it authorized him to do the same. But what could he say to let Stella know clearly that his love for her was also unconditional, and nothing in the world could make him stop loving her...

_Dear Stella_

How original, think something that doesn't allow any doubt, stupid... not like a letter from your bank manager, dammit...

_Stella, my love_

Oh, God, this sounds like a soap opera. He stopped to think a while. With a smile, he remembered.

_Stella mou_

_I have nothing to forgive. Rather it's the opposite, you'll have to forgive me for being a jerk and behaving like one. I haven't tried to write to you to respect your wish about giving you time and space, but I wanted to every day. When I saw your message today I felt like the happiest man in the world. I don't deserve your love, but I will do my best to be worthy of that good luck. If you want me to see you, let me know and I will go anywhere, if you don't want, I'll die with impatience, but I'll wait. Everything coming from you interests me, and I will always care about, and nothing you have to say will overcome the last sentence of your message. Nothing could happen to change that._

_S'agapó, Agapi mou (*)_

_Mac_

It took him three hours to write the short text. When he reread it the last time he decided he didn't know how to express himself any better. Before changing his mind, he clicked "Send". On Monday he would try again with Adam to trace the journey of these messages. Whatever Stella decided, he wanted to know where she was and what she couldn't tell him if she wasn't looking into his eyes.

_(*) ("S'agapó, Agapi mou" means "I love you, my love" in Greek)_

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	15. Chapter 15

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Thanks to Lily Moonlight for helping me so much. Have I ever said it?

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 14**

The attempts to follow Stella's message to its source were unsuccessful again. Her name was blocked in the search engines, as well as all her personal data. All traces of her message were lost on a totally inaccessible server in Washington, with access keys set to the highest security level.

Mac resigned himself to hoping that she would tell him where she was when she was ready. If not, he would simply wait for her return. Stella had answered his message, saying she was going to print the words he had written, in case he was ever so angry with her that she had to remind him of them... _"Everything coming from you interests me, and I will always care about, and nothing you have to say will overcome the last sentence of your message. Nothing could happen to change that._

_S'agapó, Agapi mou"_

Mac reiterated to her that nothing could happen to upset him, not even the wait until she felt ready.

Mac's messages had a soothing effect on Stella. She was exultant. She had a man who loved her waiting for her, and she was going to have his baby. What more could anyone want? Of course, the optimism as the result of pregnancy hormones, meant her happiness alternated with periods of crying and sadness thinking about how she would organize, after the return from Europe, her next adventure in New Orleans. That would be far more difficult. And with a baby. What would Mac say if his child had to grow away from him? Would that _"Nothing could happen to change that... s'agapó agapi mou"_ be kept then?

Stella had got an appointment at the Practice of "the best gynaecologist in Athens and all Greece," said in Betty Connor's exact words. Betty had attended there for her first pregnancy three years ago, and now, too, for her second. Her eldest son had been born in Athens and now her daughter would be, too. She had total confidence in the doctor. In addition, she explained to Stella, the doctor spoke fluent English, which was a bonus. Although that point wasn't a priority to Stella, Betty told her that during her first pregnancy she was newly arrived in the country and she didn't speak a word of Greek, so, the fact of finding an excellent doctor that could understand English was very important for her. Betty recommended Stella to the appointments nurse and first thing on Tuesday morning Stella went to the Practice.

Dr. Irene Samaras was an energetic woman, very solid. Her mere presence and deep, though gentle, voice inspired confidence. At that first consultation, she almost scolded Stella. She couldn't believe that Stella hadn't noticed her pregnancy until then. She asked the date of Stella's last period, and Stella almost blushed to confess she didn't remember exactly. But the doctor laughed when Stella added that, however, she knew exactly the date on which her baby had been conceived. "Good data," the doctor joked. She had begun to write down everything in Stella's medical history. As Stella had explained that at the end of the year she would have to return to America, Dr. Samaras wrote the file in English to make the transfer to Stella's doctor in New York easier when she returned.

Stella had brought her medical history, but she explained to the doctor the circumstances of her life and she didn't know about her family medical antecedents. Blood samples were taken and she had to give a urine sample. She was measured and weighed, her blood pressure was tested and when the doctor finished with Stella, it was the father's turn. Stella had expected that, and she had the data. The night before she had accessed Mac's medical records (privileges of her new rank, which allowed her access to any official record and all police staff) and she was well informed.

Without consequences, Mac had passed through all the common childhood diseases. His health was excellent and in his last medical examination, four months ago, his blood pressure levels and other indicators in the analysis were perfect. His RH factor was the same as Stella, so it wouldn't be a trouble. The doctor also noted his height and weight.

"Well, Ms. Bonasera, now that we have all the data, we'll do the first examination and ultrasound. At this point our little one has grown from embryo to fetus, and you will see that it is well defined, although it only measures about four inches, if the development is normal for almost fifteen weeks."

Stella had to remove her clothes and put the gown the nurse gave her, while the doctor started to calibrate the scanner. Then, when Stella was ready, Dr. Samaras put the gloves on and carefully proceeded with the examination. Her softness made Stella finally relax, because at first she was a little tense. The doctor reassured her, nothing was unusual. Finally, she applied the gel to Stella's abdomen and went on to perform an ultrasound, sliding the probe in search of a good image. The first thing that startled Stella was the sound. She looked at the doctor.

"Yes, you're listening to its heartbeat. Loud and strong, perfect"

Stella felt the tears came to her eyes. She wished Mac was there with her and they could share this moment.

As if guessing Stella's thought, the doctor told her, "We're recording it, and I'll give you a disc copy, with the image and sound. So the father may also enjoy it if you want to... Look, I have a good picture here"

Stella looked at the screen and gasped. A little one, shrunk and with a big head, had appeared in a perfectly clear image. Even the features of its little face could already be distinguished! Betty had told Stella that Dr. Samaras' practice had state-of-the-art equipment, but this was incredible. Dr. Samaras maneuvered around the screen, marking and measuring, nodding to herself.

"As I expected, it will be big. Both, father and mother, are higher than average, so that's normal. It is nearly five inches long now. Well... how can we call it? The name we'll give to the fetus, the baby, in its own record. Baby Bonasera?"

Stella corrected her immediately.

"Baby Taylor, the name will be Taylor".

"Taylor it is, then". The doctor wrote Baby Taylor, the date and the weeks of pregnancy, and sent images to the printer, while she archived a copy of the entire sequence of images.

The printer finished and the doctor gave Stella the copy. She couldn't stop looking at it, it was so tiny... and it was growing inside her, this little being that Mac and she had created...

"As for the sex, would you want to know? Is still a little early but I would venture to tell you it, the position is good..."

"No, I don't want to know," Stella said hastily. "Not without the father present, I want us to discover that together at least."

The doctor smiled. She was pretty sure it was a baby girl, though she said nothing to Stella. She wrote on the file "Sex: Female". "The mother doesn't want to know yet". The nurse cleaned off the remaining gel and helped Stella to re-dress after the examination. When she was ready, the doctor told her the latest recommendations for diet, wrote her a prescription for a supplement of vitamins and folic acid and told the nurse to fix with her an appointment for the following month, if the test results were normal. The nurse asked for Stella's address, phone and e-mail, and for her next of kin, just in case that another person had to decide for her if some emergency situation happened. That would be Mac, of course, Stella stated, and provided his e-mail. It couldn't be denied that they were very careful and provided for all possible contingencies.

Thrilled with the image of her baby in the bag, Stella Bonasera went out of the practice as if floating on a cloud. On the way, she bought the prescribed medication and she arrived at her office in the Embassy, determined to work without stress. Not that it was easy, given the commitments they had to face. Everything should work as a machine composed of perfect gears when in late November (and a little over two months and a half were left), the US' President two-day visit would be the big test for the security plan that Stella had designed, although it would have its first test the following month, when the Vice-President would make a short visit to Athens, after an International Conference in Moscow. The first test, it was hoped, would overcome any possible obstacles to the security transfer of the official delegation from the airport to the Presidential Palace, then to the US Embassy where a dinner would be offered, before the short return trip to the airport, meaning that when it came to the presidential visit, all would flow smoothly.

At the end of the week, Stella received an email from Dr. Samaras' Practice with the results of her tests. Everything was normal; Stella Bonasera and Baby Taylor seemed to share a model pregnancy. Stella had to control herself to not to tell Mac what was happening. Some days she decided she was going to tell him right away... returning soon to her initial thought of waiting to see him face to face.

Meanwhile, her belly grew visibly every day. Her medical appointment the following month generated a new set of Baby Taylor photos, this time with the baby face looking right to the probe's direction, providing a frontal view. Stella could swear that the round cheeks came from its father. She hadn't had the slightest discomfort, and the pregnancy posed no obstacle to her work. At the Embassy, no one had dared to ask about the father, who or where he was, although there was some speculation and betting for all possibilities.

At home, Maria was more concerned in all going well than even Stella herself. She cooked meals rich in protein, vitamins and minerals, she warned Stella not to forget the vitamins and folic acid, she wouldn't allow her to lift more weight than a spoon... When Maria got angry because Stella had caught something heavy, or she had climbed something to take a book from the highest shelf, or she had run and slipped, or she hadn't eaten everything... then Maria just talked to the baby, to the belly. But they were short angers. Stella had already showed her all the photos of Mac, which were in a small album that she had brought, and also those that Lindsay sent every Saturday, the pictures taken when Mac picked Lucy up. Maria liked Mac more and more, but she couldn't understand why he wasn't there with her. When Stella told Maria that she hadn't told him she was pregnant, Maria was shocked. Poor man, and she was blaming him. He didn't know anything! This time, Maria spent two days talking only to the baby. "Tell your mother..." she used to begin every sentence that was meant for Stella.

In early November, Stella's pregnant belly was more than evident. And the coincidence of a series of tangled events, led Mac to some unexpected discoveries. All in one day.

_(*) ("S'agapó, Agapi mou" means "I love you, my love" in Greek)_

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><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	16. Chapter 16

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Thanks to Lily Moonlight for her help. She's incredibly patient and good teacher.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 15**

For Stella in Athens, the second week of November had been terrible. The acid test. Success or failure.

Finally, the two days visit of the US President had taken place, plus the other European Union countries' delegations, all of them there to celebrate the extraordinary summit to renew and ratify the agreements of cooperation in economic and cultural fields. There were no fewer than 28 Heads of State and Government. Organizing the safety and coordinating all had been like making delicate Chantilly lace.

The Greek Department of the Interior had been on the verge of collapse, each one of the delegations demanding attention and priority, and effective protection while bringing their own police and security agents for the summit... and almost all of them did not know a word of Greek.

Stella thought that if it she survived that, nothing would seem difficult in the future. However, she had learnt to be careful, and she had often taken a little time out to breathe, to relax and think about her baby, and how it did not need its mother to be stressed out and driving herself crazy with problems.

Most of the leaders were men and had come to Greece with their wives, and the first ladies (and the two "first gentlemen") had enjoyed a guided tour of the Acropolis and a visit to the National Archaeological Museum on the first day, and a mini-tour the second to see the wonders of Mycenae, Corinth and Epidauros. Stella had focused on the President andAthens, while her assistant had accompanied the leaders' partners.

Everything had run perfectly, exact times, routes as planned... the enormous previous work that Stella had coordinated, including even the smallest details, had been rewarded. Nothing unexpected happened, and the city had barely suffered with the important event - the movement of delegations and agents had minimally altered the Athenians' rhythm of life. The wives and the two husbands of Presidents had enjoyed the visits, helped by incredibly good weather, with temperatures very mild for this late in the fall season.

Stella had been invited to the reception and farewell dinner that the President offered at the US Embassy on his last night in Athens. The ambassador had presented her to the presidential couple, praising her merits and making her directly responsible for the success of the security of the event. The First Lady had been very kind to her, asking her about her pregnancy, barely hidden by the Stella's light dress, in a deep green colour that highlighted even more her eyes. The embroidered round neck and bare shoulders fitted her especially well. In Maria's words when she had tried the dress: "The most beautiful of all the women, for sure. Queens, first ladies, and ambassadors' wives included. Come on, no comparison." Stella had laughed, resting one hand on her belly.

"Yes, especially with this belly"

"Yes, _moró mou_ (*), very especially because of that belly" added Maria, very serious.

The next day, after dismissing the President at the airport, she had returned to the embassy with the relief of a successful work and the relaxation associated with it. The following day would be the time to analyze retrospectively the entire mechanism and see if they could improve or enhance some aspect of the protocol followed, but on this day, Stella had given her staff the day off as a reward for all their hard work. While waiting out the time of her consultation with Dr. Samaras, she looked at the photos taken at last night's dinner.

The photographer who worked for the embassy had already posted on the embassy site hundreds of photos he had taken. Stella appeared in some of them, in animated conversation with the President and First Lady, with her left hand on her belly. She laughed seeing it. Placing her hand in a protective way over her growing belly was something that Stella, as all pregnant women, had been doing with increasing frequency. She wasn't even aware of doing it. Probably a casual observer would not have noticed her pregnancy if she had not taken that position, the dress, loose-fitting from the neck, didn't show her body shape, but that hand resting on the maximum curvature of her belly indicated clearly how far Baby Taylor had reached.

The photographer seemed to have been delighted with Stella as a subject. He had taken her picture often enough to wallpaper a room. Looking at herself, Stella realized how her face had rounded and arguably softened. She felt good. If only she had Mac at her side... then the world would be perfect.

Doctor Samaras, Irene, as she insisted that Stella called her, wasn't very severe with her this time though her weight gain was higher than desirable, although not too much. Stella was eager to see the baby in her third ultrasound, and when it appeared on the screen, looking at them as if posing for a camera, Stella couldn't avoid a gasp. The definition that the machine provided was amazing. It looked like Mac, now she was sure! Those rounded cheeks and the small nose... The baby seemed to yawn, and ended in a gesture like a smile. The doctor caught it just in that moment and sent the image to the printer.

"Could I have the image in digital format? I mean, is that a normal image that can be sent via email? "

"Sure, of course, the snapshot is a normal image file. I'll tell the nurse to send it to you. Anyway, you'll have the total sequences on a disc before you go. Everything is recorded in your file, and Baby Taylor's own file"

When she said goodbye until the following month, the doctor walked her to the exit. The nurse was attending to the phone. When she finished, the doctor asked her to send Stella the picture taken today, and the two previous ones. The girl nodded and immediately started doing it, while a new incoming call diverted her attention. But she seemed to be able to do two things at the same time, so she localized the recorded images, attached the files and sent them to the email address in Stella's file.

In New York, the day had begun early for Mac. Even before arriving at the laboratory, Flack's call announcing that they had a new case had led him directly to the crime scene. A body had been found, apparently in the same place where his death had occurred. He had been stabbed in a blind alley. They had spent more than one hour collecting evidence before and after the removal of the body.

On the way back, Mac had received a call from Horatio Caine, his colleague in Miami. Horatio informed him about the delivery of certain documents relating to a case that they had followed along, which had also involved their colleagues fromLas Vegas. It had been successfully resolved, and some documents needed to be shared, so each delegation could complete their files. Horatio, who had usually a character even more taciturn and reserved than Mac Taylor himself, seemed to be in a good mood that morning. Before hanging up, he gave Mac the first track of Stella in nearly six months.

"Oh, Mac, if I'd known you were willing to let Bonasera go, I would have tried myself to steal her from you"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the rumours have reached me..." As Mac said nothing, Horatio continued. "About that new CSI super-laboratory in New Orleans, and that they want Stella to manage it"

Mac's heart was beating fast. New Orleans? Wasn't she in Europe?

"Who says that?"

"I don't know, I thought you'd be better informed, if you're going to let your right-hand go... Anyway, I've also heard that everything seems to be delayed because of the economic crisis, you know, and they won't have enough funds to finish and complete all the equipment before at least a couple of years... But you should know better than me. Or is it all just rumours?"

"I don't know, Horatio, I don't know with certainty anything at all..." The sad tone of his voice warned his colleague that it would be better not to pry. Horatio pretended he hadn't noticed.

"Well, Mac, I hope you'll come and visit us soon. You know, the sun, the beaches. You'd be welcome."

"Thank you, Horatio. Regards to all your team. "

Mac hung up while parking the car. After thinking a few minutes, he took his case, and thought that before leaving his office today he was going to go directly to Sinclair. It was time for the boss to tell him everything he knew, and it would surely be more than what he had told him when they first talked about Stella's rushed departure.

When he arrived at the Lab floor he saw in the hallway one of the officers in charge of security. Policemen whose retirement was close were assigned to that job, so they no longer had to do street work. The agent Smithson had been Stella's instructor when she started to patrol, and he adored her. He was proud of her seeing how far she had gone. Mac hadn't had occasion to speak with him since Stella had gone, but today Smithson greeted Mac with a smile.

"Good morning, Inspector Taylor"

Mac shook his hand.

"Hi Smithson. Anything new? "

"No, inspector. Do you know? This place is lifeless without Stella here. I miss that rascal, who always gave me a couple of kisses and a hug when she saw me..."

He scratched his head. "And how beautiful she was, this morning, when I saw her. You didn't see her?"

Mac gave Smithson his full attention. Had he seen her this morning? He tried to look calm.

"I haven't seen her... Where was she?"

"In the news, with the President, at that meeting or whatever was in Greece... She seemed to be in her element. Although it was only a few seconds, I have no doubt, it was Stella. When will she return, or did she with the President delegation? "

Mac was apparently calm, but the information was driving him mad. New Orleans? And now Greece? He remembered that the veteran agent was waiting for an answer.

"Well, I don't know for sure, Smithson, hopefully we will soon see her here..."

"I hope so... This hole is much better with her here" Smithson spoke as he walked away to continue his patrol.

Mac went into his office, dropped his case on the couch and sat down at the table. Out of habit, he turned on the computer. He had to think...

He should check, before all, if Smithson was right. He went on the Internet and searched for "President, Athens." Immediately, dozens of pages appeared showing the news about the visit. He opened the first one. They said that the night before the President had said goodbye to Athens with a dinner at the American Embassy... Mac typed "US Embassy in Greece" and entered the website. The events of the past two days, with the visit of the President, were already highly detailed. There were several photo galleries. Mac opened the most recent, with the dinner's photos.

He didn't have to look far. There she was, in all her splendour, in a gorgeous close-up picture. She was changed... she was... beautiful. In the following photo, she was talking with the President, both smiling. In the following, taken from further away... Mac stared, frowning. Stella had her hand on... It seemed like...

The faint sound indicator of an incoming mail warned Mac about a new message. Puzzled still by what he just had seen, he opened the message. The shock almost made him fall off the chair.

From: Dr. Samaras.

To: Next of kin Mrs Bonasera, Mac Taylor.

It was a picture. A baby, or almost. It seemed like an ultrasound image, but so sharp that the baby's features could be clearly seen, and even what looked like the gesture of a smile in the perfectly round little face. In the upper left, a text box left Mac on the brink of collapse.

November 15th 2010

Name: BabyTaylor

Week: 24th

Mother: Stella Bonasera

EXP. O8028-2010

_(*) Moró mou means "My baby" in Greek._

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><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	17. Chapter 17

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Thanks to Lily Moonlight for her help with the translation, again and again.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 16**

Mac Taylor's mind had been blocked. He couldn't help but look at that image of a little person in a soft almost orange colour who seemed to be smiling, her hands, with five perfect little fingers on each, resting on her chest.. Baby Taylor, he repeated to himself. Baby Taylor…

He didn't know how long he remained in that state, if it was four or forty minutes. Finally, all he could think about doing was to return to the photo gallery of the U.S. Embassy in Athens and find more pictures of Stella. He was especially interested in the full-length ones. And there were some more. In full-face, in profile... There was no doubt, Stella was pregnant, and she showed a lot. He looked at the ultrasound image again. 24 weeks, which was six months. It couldn't be otherwise, six months had gone exactly since they had been together, when, apparently, they had created this gorgeous Baby Taylor, his daughter. Mac seemed to wake up suddenly, smiling at the thought that he assumed she was a girl. The little girl in that dream he had the same night the baby was conceived, he thought.

A mind trained to collect disparate data, fit them together and deduce how the facts happened, couldn't go blank in that way for long. After the initial shock, a feeling of indignation began to grow in Mac. How did Stella dare to keep secret that she was having a child, that she was having his child? Why on earth hadn't she told him? He was the father, for God's sake. After her, he should have been the first one to know it. Why had she moved away, just when she was pregnant? As bad as the relationship between them was, and he believed that in the last three months of exchanging messages things had been fixed, she shouldn't have concealed that from him, it was unforgivable... Then he remembered the first message from Stella, which he knew by heart

_I would like to be by your side so we could talk. There is something very important I have to tell you, but I don't want to do it without being able to look into your eyes. In a few months I'll be back and I will have the opportunity to tell you, I just hope you don't decide then that I waited too long and that nothing coming from me interests you any more... _

_And ended with_

_I love you, Mac, with all my soul. I always will, come what may._

Now he understood what she meant. He began to calm down as his mind started to work again and seemed to reason clearly. Let's see, Mac, she left immediately after... well, after their one night together. A woman learns she is pregnant when... almost a month after, right? She notices it when the following menstruation does not occur, and she has to wait normally some days to confirm it... one or two weeks? Mac didn't have that very clear. So, by the time Stella would have known about her pregnancy, she was already inAthens, engrossed in whatever she was doing there -and after she told him, it required total dedication, which didn't allow her to travel. Suddenly, she found herself in such a situation, unable to return... and what could she have done, tell him by phone, or email?

I don't want to do it without being able to look into your eyes, she had written. He could almost understand her, if it didn't hurt him so much to be missing something so important. Why didn't she ask him to go meet her there? Perhaps she didn't want him to repeat his first trip toGreece, with the same anguish of not knowing what happened to her and if she was again at risk... He was now asking himself the questions and answering them, trying to put himself in Stella's place. He also remembered what he had responded to that first message, to which now he had discovered the key. He had to be able to keep his words.

_Everything coming from you interests me, and I will always care about, and nothing you have to say will overcome the last sentence of your message. Nothing could happen to change that._

_S'agapó, agapi mou (*) _

_S'agapó_, of course I love you...

Despite being sad for not sharing those first months of her pregnancy, he did love her. Of course he did. She had to have gone alone to the doctor, and seen the scans without having him at her side to hold hands and share the excitement, and then the emotion... Mac felt the tickling of tears in his eyes, while his smile widened as he looked again the ultrasound image.

It was time to go into action. New Orleans could wait, after all, it wasn't immediate. Stella would tell him personally, or so he hoped. But he wasn't going to wait until Christmas for Stella's return to New York. Not at all, he had already lost enough time. He had to do something to know what was missing, where exactly he could find Stella, because he was going to go there. To Greece, again. He smiled, encouraged.

Adam passed right in front of Mac's office, and he gestured to him to enter. He came immediately. Mac got up from his chair and asked him to come closer.

"Close the door, please. I want you to look at something on my computer... and you'll keep your mouth shut, right? Sit in my chair"

Adam sat down, still not knowing what to think. His eyebrows arched in surprise to see the ultrasound image.

"This is..." while starting to talk Adam saw the text box. Baby Taylor. Mother, Stella Bonasera. His eyebrows rose even more, eyes and mouth open...

"Yes, it's exactly what it seems. Now, I want to locate where it came from, and to obtain all the information possible. I want above all to find Stella's address."

"So, you knew nothing about it? But this... this..." He pointed the screen. "You... you did it... I mean, you were..."

"Don't call her _this_. _This_ is a baby. And yes, of course, we did it. But for the moment keep it quiet, OK? I have received the image in an email, I suspect that it had been by mistake, but let's see if you can get what I want. Can you do it from here?"

"I hope so." Now Adam was watching another open window, with a half-length picture of Stella in profile. He whistled. "Wow... she's pregnant. So... Congratulations, boss". He reached out to Mac, who couldn't help but smile and shake hands.

"Can you locate the source of that message? It comes from a Dr. Samaras, in Athens."

Adam was typing at full speed from the original email received by Mac. This time he wanted to recoup all previous attempts that had blocked their way into a high security server. Soon he found the IP's computer source. Within minutes he was trying to circumvent the password of the private network to which that equipment belonged.

"It will help us to have the file number in the text box of the ultrasound, I don't think that each of the documents related to Stella after her inclusion in the high security system are classified, but if we can't access by her name, we'll probably achieve it by the file number. Anyway, boss, entering into the database system from a medical practice is illegal... We know that, right?"

"To my knowledge, we are here looking at an ultrasound image of my future daughter that has been sent to my email... Nothing more"

Adam looked at him with a smile.

"Daughter? It's only marked Baby Taylor there. Do you know something I don't know?"

"I know many things you don't know, Adam" Mac was now joking. "But no, I've only the intuition that she is a girl, nothing more. It doesn't matter, in fact. If he's a boy I will be happy too."

Adam was typing again, and, suddenly, a smile lit his face. At last! He was on the access page to the files... Fortunately, though it was in Greek, the original form was standard and Adam knew where to include the data file number to access the patient information. Watching Adam's skill, Mac admired his young subordinate. As if by magic, they had on screen the front page of Stella Bonasera's medical history, in the practice of Dr. Samaras, fortunately in English. It included the name, address, phone, e-mail and next of kin. And there Mac saw his own name, and his email address in the line under Stella's. He understood immediately that it was more than likely what he suspected, that whoever had sent the ultrasound image had done it by mistake.

Adam got up, his part was done, the rest of the information didn't concern him, and it was better to leave Mac alone to freely consult or not the rest of the data.

"Thank you, Adam. I owe you one"

"You're welcome, boss. We've only seen an ultrasound of a baby that someone has sent by mistake. A beautiful baby, by the way."

Mac laughed, saying, "Thanks anyway" to him.

Mac moved back to his computer. He made a note of Stella's address and telephone number in Athens. He went on to the next page. It was the first medical record Dr. Samaras had done. For a moment, he had doubts about whether it was ethical or not to read that data. Hell, he should have been there, they were his wife-to-be and daughter. He smiled to himself at that thought. His wife... it sounded good. He was reaffirmed in his mind when he saw that the top was occupied by Stella medical data, height, weight, blood type, diseases... and at the bottom, under the title "Father", there were his data. Mac Taylor's measuring, weighing and medical history, summarized in a few lines... Stella knew all that from him?

Okay, so this was also partly his own medical form, which legitimized him to keep looking. The next page was referred to the medical examination in the first consultation. The doctor had written some funny comments. _As far, she didn't know she was pregnant!_ and _She knows the exact date of conception!_ Mac's smile became much larger, the consultation had taken place in early September... Just three days after Stella sent him her first message, probably when she realized she was pregnant. There were some attached files, and opening the first one Mac's heart was overwhelmed. It was the recorded sequence of the first scan, sound included. The foetal heartbeat was perfectly audible. When he returned to the page, he read the statements made. The measure, with the adjective "great." In the section of the baby's sex the doctor had noted "_The mother doesn't want to know yet_" and then in brackets (_Female, confirm next ultrasound scan_). Mac raised a triumphant fist in the air, exclaiming "Yes!" Then he watched out, looking if anyone had seen him. Fortunately not. Instead, he didn't want anyone though that something strange was happening, with such display of joy, completely unusual from Mac Taylor in recent times.

A little girl! He returned to the image that had given rise to all this torrent of information. His little baby girl with her round cheeks, seemed to smile. If it wouldn't be foolish, he had assured that she looked like him!

Looking at his daughter's image, he didn't have a doubt about what he had to do. And he would set in motion today. He was two trips ahead, the first one shorter than the second, to Greece, which he expected would provide him happiness for the rest of his life.

_(*)_ "S'agapó, Agapi mou" means "I love you, my love" in Greek

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	18. Chapter 18

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Thanks to Lily Moonlight for her help, as always.

AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 17**

November 20th, Sunday. There were five days left to Thanksgiving Day, and the memories saddened Stella. The bad thing about having something is the possibility of losing it, she thought, sighing. During most of her life, spending Thanksgiving Day alone hadn't been a cause of sadness. Only two years during her childhood had she shared that day with a family, in the periods she had been in foster families, and on both occasions the party had ended in unpleasant discussions. The foster families had never been warm or a source of happiness to Stella, rather the opposite. The rest of her childhood and youth she had spent Thanksgiving Day at the orphanage, and the festivity had never had a special meaning in Stella's life.

But, suddenly, two years ago, Mac had invited her to go with him to Chicago. He always went to his mother's house that day and the following weekend, in some way to compensate her for all the times he didn't visit her during the year. Stella had initially rejected the invitation, thinking she would be an intruder on the few days that Mac's mother would want to enjoy her son exclusively, since she had so few times to do it. Mac had insisted, however, and what finally convinced Stella to go was a call from Millie Taylor herself. Mac's mother had insisted that it was she who had told Mac to invite her. Millie had the intuition, and the hope, that the one Stella Bonasera Mac kept mentioning in recent years was at last the woman that her son needed in his life. The companion, the friend, the love of his mature years.

When Stella had first entered the home in which Mac had grown up she felt a bit overwhelmed. He was so secretive that to suddenly delve so deeply into his privacy disturbed Stella. But after all, he had taken her and he knew this would happen, that she would eventually learn much more about his past life, from his days of youth, and even his childhood.

That first year Stella had finally felt quite happy, helping to prepare dinner under Mac's mother's direction, while Mac had been in charge of setting the table. After that, the women also gave him the honour of cleaning and washing dishes. The two women had got along immediately, and between them had developed a genuine affection. Since then, they spoke often on the phone and Millie sent her regards to Stella through her son every time they communicated.

The next year she was invited again to the main American family celebration. This time Stella accepted without hesitation. Her relationship with Mac had changed, the whole Greece thing had happened months ago. After all those events, the resignation of Stella and her unexpected leave, after Mac went behind her and all the tragedy that happened with Papakota, they had become closer than ever. So close that Stella felt like, at some point, Mac had moved back, perhaps for fear that things had gone too far. That had driven Stella to despair. What to do with this man, get him drunk and put him in her bed?

Remembering now what she then had thought made her smile. Just so had happened, although without her intervention, at least in the alcohol intake...

The second Thanksgiving Day at the Taylors' home had passed even more happily than the first. Mac's mother treated her like a daughter, regardless of what Mac might think. One day, while Mac had been sent to purchase groceries, Millie took Stella to the attic. At first they were looking for an old porcelain bowl in which to put the delicious applesauce they had made, but, intentionally or not, they ended up entangled in the things of Mac's childhood. Millie had pulled off some sheets that covered them and had showed Stella Mac's crib, in a honey-colored wood, matching with a rocking chair that she also uncovered. The night before, after dinner, Millie had already shown Stella, to the embarrassment of the protagonist, all the photos from Mac since his early childhood, including the smiling naked baby showing the world that, indeed, he was a boy, free of diapers and other garments.

Stella remembered now those photos of a baby with round cheeks and turned toward the table where she had started an album of her baby, which the image of the first ultrasound. All babies have round cheeks, of course, but this one... It looked exactly like what she had seen in Mac's picture.

Would Millie Taylor be happy about becoming a grandmother? Stella was almost sure she would, but she might also be angry on finding it out late. Considering that the father didn't know it yet...

Not again, she thought, she got depressed every time she thought about how to solve a problem that hadn't stopped growing each day. She couldn't say anything, that would no longer be necessary when Mac saw her, but... What would be his reaction? She hoped it wasn't rejection, or doubt about if he was the father. That would hurt a lot, but on the other side she was capable of understanding; Mac couldn't find good reasons why she hadn't told him at once that he was the father.

As long as she thought about it, she had tears running down her cheeks. While drying them, she felt the slight tingle of her baby moving, which made her smile.

"You know how to take your mommy's sorrows away, Baby Taylor", she said softly.

On Friday, November 18th, early afternoon, Mac Taylor had told his team that he would take all his vacation days not taken, so he would be absent at least a month, probably returning for Christmas. All of them were amazed, Mac hadn't taken so many vacation days in a row ever. Mac put Danny in charge of the lab and he strongly recommended that everyone else make his task easy. Don said he would do his part to help, and Adam, very solemn and smiling, came forward to say goodbye to Mac with a handshake, and without opening his mouth. Mac wondered how long the youngest of his colleagues could resist without letting go what he knew.

When Lindsay asked him if he would travel somewhere, Mac said he would leave for Chicago on Sunday. They all found that logical, since entering the Thanksgiving week they knew that their boss always returned to his hometown at that time to be with his mother.

Lindsay didn't know what to think. She received news from Stella regularly, but she never said where she was, and Lindsay sent her pictures almost every week. And now Mac was going toChicagoand didn't seem to take any interest in knowing about Stella... God, what a difficult couple!

Mac picked up Lucy on Saturday afternoon as usual, seeing he didn't want to miss their appointment. In addition, they were not going to see each other for a while. That day, instead of walking through the park, Mac and Lucy went shopping at a big mall.

"Lucy, I need advice. You're going to tell me what little girls like. OK? "

"K" repeated Lucy, nodding.

They visited a decorating shop. In the children's section, Lucy pointed out her favourite pink tone to paint the walls in children's rooms, and a frieze with tulips in shades of pink and yellow. The shop assistant showed Mac matching accessories: duvet and sheets for the crib, cushions for rocking chairs, curtains... all of them combined in a pink shade similar to what they had chosen for the walls, and stamped with the same pattern of tulips as the frieze. Mac had taken the measure of the window, and found ready-made curtains. The store opened seven days a week, so they agreed that everything would be delivered the following day, Sunday, early in the morning. Mac intended to paint the nursery before leaving for Chicago late in the afternoon.

Satisfied with himself, Mac walked through the mall pushing Lucy's stroller.

"Good job, buddy. Now let's buy a gift for you, and a toy for the baby."

"Baby? Lucy baby?"

"No, Lucy is already a big girl... a little baby, a little cousin to Lucy."

"'Ousin?"

"Yes, a cousin who is now in your godmother Stella's belly, and when she's born she'll be your friend, right?"

"Yes," Lucy continued the conversation as if she understood everything perfectly. They bought two beautiful stuffed animals, one for Lucy and one for the baby before leaving the mall to return to the Messers' home.

It was dinnertime when Mac returned little Lucy to her parents. At Lindsay's insistence and the prospect of not seeing them for a while, Mac accepted a family dinner with them.

"Mac, you don't have to buy anything for the child. You spoil her."

"It's nothing, and she's been so good... She's helped me a lot, haven't you Lucy?"

"Yes, Lucy help... pink! Beautiful to ittle baby."

Mac was surprised by the sentence. Wow, he hadn't realized that Lucy was already getting old enough to make herself be understood.

"Did you help your godfather shopping? Oh, my baby, she talks like a parrot." Lindsay joked.

"Lucy not baby, Lucy's big! Baby 'ousin, all pink. And a kitten."

Mac coughed looking to change the subject. The next thing that Lucy would say, as soon as Lindsay insisted, would be that the little baby wasn't her but the one in her godmother Stella's belly...

When on early Sunday morning Mac received the delivery from the decorating shop, he had already cleared and cleaned the room and had covered the floor, so that he was able to start painting almost immediately. It took him some time to paint the first coat, but he was ready to give the second early in the afternoon. At six in the evening, before leaving for the airport, everything was painted, the frieze in place, curtains hung and the rest in the closet awaiting a crib and a rocking chair that would come from Chicago. By the moment, on a stool in the middle of the room, he placed the stuffed kitten that Lucy had chosen for her "ousin", a kitten with long white hair, extremely soft, sleeping lying on its belly.

Mac asked the doorman and his wife to receive the furniture he was going to send from Chicago, and to unpack and place it in the new pink room. The doorman's wife reassured him saying they would leave everything ready, and that he didn't have to worry about anything. She was dying to know more, but she didn't dare to ask. A pink room? Anyway, the woman was happy for him. He was an excellent man, he shouldn't be alone as he had been over the years.

During the flight to Chicago, Mac couldn't help but think that the last time he had made the same trip, just a year before, he had travelled with Stella. They had also taken the flight in the afternoon, after the shift, and Stella was asleep almost instantly. He had spent the entire flight watching her sleep. He could spend a lifetime looking at her, he thought then... and he still thought there was nothing he wanted more than to look her at all hours. She slept like an innocent child, and yet she was totally sexy... Mac couldn't take his eyes off her. The same thing had happened when they returned from Greece, all the time Stella had spent sleeping, he had been watching her. When in a moment she was awake and their eyes met, she had smiled.

"Was I snoring? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Mac delayed a bit his response, staring at her.

"Because I like what I see..."

Stella had blushed slightly, smiling and, for once, not knowing what to say.

When Mac arrived at the Taylors' home it was very late, but his mother was waiting. She could not help wonder.

"What, Stella hasn't come with you?"

"No, Mom, Stella isn't going to come"

"What do you mean? What happened? What have you done?"

"Mom! I haven't done anything! Well, yes, I did something, but... It's a long story"

"I'm in no hurry, Mac Taylor, so start telling. And we'll see if I let you sleep in this house!"

With a sigh, Mac prepared to tell everything to his mother. Millie Taylor was like a walking polygraph, there was no choice but to tell her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

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><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	19. Chapter 19

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Lily Moonlight helps me with the translation, as you know, and I'm very grateful for it.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 18**

It was two o'clock in the morning when Mac Taylor finished talking to his mother. He was unaware of how much he had missed her until they had little times like this, when Millie told him off and hit him in the arm for punishment as he talked. In the end, however, she supported him, advised him and made clear her opinion.

"My son, in this story you've behaved like a real idiot", was Millie's first comment.

"Thanks, Mom, I love you, too"

"It's simply that you're useless in matters of love, Mac, you have to admit it. Stella has been there for you for over ten years and everyone realized it a long time ago... everyone but you. And it turns out you have to drink to finally decide yourself to... you know, complete a relationship. She must love you a lot for not telling you to go to hell that night."

"I know, I know. I'm not proud of it, but I never dared because I didn't know if Stella also felt something else, like me, or if "us" was just a great friendship that would be lost if I tried to take it to the next level"

"And you didn't even think to ask, genius? Believe me, sometimes it works"

"I know. Now I find it amazing having missed so much time, mostly because of my cowardice "

"That's my boy! Coward, but realistic and sincere. Son, what I'm asking myself now is: Why are you still here and not on your way to Athens to be with your wife and your daughter?"

"Mom, it's Thanksgiving, and I'm always with you."

"Honey, sometimes in life there are priorities. I'll give thanks to God for having made you finally see the light, but what you should do is travel to Greece and bring back Stella and my granddaughter as soon as possible. My God, my granddaughter! I will go completely crazy, I know, I'll be the craziest grandmother in the history of humanity, son, I wished it for so long... and I had almost lost hope. And a girl! Tomorrow I will go out to buy wool and I'm going to start knitting like a woman possessed... Or more like a grandmother possessed!"

"I've also come for the furniture, Mom... I think the rocking chair and the cradle are still in the attic, right?"

Millie stared at her son.

"Stella told you?"

"Told me what?

"That last year when you were here for Thanksgiving, I showed her the rocking chair and the cradle."

"No, she didn't say anything, I don't know why."

"Oh my God, what a pair... Well, I think she was a little moved seeing it. A week ago I was in the attic cleaning. My God, I left it as if it was going to be used again... That makes me wonder... I have powers, ha, ha! And you know what I found too? Charlie!"

"Charlie? I can't believe it!" Mac's face lit up. "Mom, I've been preparing the nursery, the room is already painted and waiting for the furniture... and I want my daughter to use the same that I had. What do you think? I came to prepare the shipment"

"I think that furniture was kept there for a purpose and it was this, son. Will you send Charlie too? It's perfect, he hasn't even been attacked by moths or anything... I'll put him in the cradle for safety... Mac, you need a new mattress, though." She paused and thought for a moment, before her eyes lit up. "Tomorrow we'll buy it, then we'll pack everything and call a shipping firm. As soon as that's done, you'll look for a ticket toAthensand go and bring them back home"

"Tell me, Mom... About showing Stella the cradle... Was it by chance or you had Machiavellianly planned it?"

Mac looked a bit suspicious when he asked this to his mother. Millie looked away and coughed a little.

"Well, let's say... half and half. It is true that I had to go to the attic to get something, and I invited Stella to come with me so she'd know the whole house. Then when we were there, I thought she'd like to see your baby stuff. And of course she liked it. Honestly, I thought that someday it could be used when you both decide to start a family. What I didn't expect was that it was to happen already next year. And above all I thought it would be in, let's say... a more conventional way. A marriage proposal, a wedding, and after that, the baby. But son, you did it by starting at the end! By the way, do you already have the ring? Because I hope that by the time you see Stella again it will be the first thing you do."

"No, I haven't bought the ring yet. It's another matter I have to solve tomorrow"

"Mac, if you don't mind... Would you like to give Stella my engagement ring? I would really like her to have it. It's the ring your father gave to me and before your grandfather had given it to your grandmother. It's beautiful, do you remember it?"

"Mom, but you..."

"I will be happy if you give it to Stella. When you married Claire it was so fast and you did it your way that I didn't want to intrude, but Stella... She's special to me, you know? She is so helpless, I don't want to think what her childhood was like, growing and becoming a woman on her own. Claire had her mother and all her family at the wedding, however Stella has no one, so I want her to take something of mine, something of the family. I want her to feel she belongs somewhere, to people who love her and will never let her down"

Mac leaned over to hug and kiss his mother

"You're great, Mom, you're the best."

"I know, I know. Mac, and I'll tell you another thing. By the time you see Stella, I don't want a single reproach coming out of your mouth, nothing that makes her feel guilty for not having told you about the pregnancy and all that stuff. She will feel bad enough, and sufficiently concerned, wondering what she will tell you, to make her feel worse. She didn't tell you because she couldn't, okay? I wouldn't have known what to do in her case, discovering she's pregnant when she's thousands of miles away and without the possibility of returning for a long time... Swear you won't throw anything back in her face."

"If that's what you want, then I swear I won't. But I didn't think about doing that anyway, Mom. I can't deny that at first I felt bad for her not telling me about the baby, when in each message she says she loves me... But she said in the first one that she had something important to tell me, but she wanted to do it looking into my eyes."

Millie sighed, and yawned suddenly, lack of sleep catching up with her.

"Well, son, let's leave our soap opera for the night, I'm exhausted. Tomorrow we have many things to do. I'm going to bed."

Mac suddenly remembered that he had made a copy for his mother of his daughter's ultrasound image. He reached into his jacket pocket

"Take this with you." Millie reached out, puzzled, and when she saw it, her mouth opened in astonishment.

"Is it? Is it?..."

"Baby Taylor in person, or almost-person. Don't you think she looks like me? Or like you, in fact, I've always been told that I looked like you."

Millie was lost for words looking at the little round-faced little thing. At last she could articulate a sentence

"She's my granddaughter... I actually have a granddaughter! She's beautiful, son, really beautiful! "She kissed her son on the cheek, stroking the other, and went to her bedroom while gazing at the image in her hands. Now it was totally real, tangible. She had a granddaughter.

Mac went to his room, but his mind was too active to sleep. He went to the attic, trying not to make any noise. In the corner near the door, covered with clean white sheets, were the things that tomorrow morning he would pack and send toNew York. He lifted the sheet covering the cradle and his face lit up.

"Charlie, my friend! Long time no see!" Mac bent down to hug the neck of his childhood's first major friend, his rocking horse. He passed his hand across the horse's back, as polished and smooth as he remembered. The colours remaining alive, with the saddle painted in bright red and gold. How had he ridden Charlie in his imagination through meadows filled with buffalos, Indians, soldiers... As he grew older and his legs instead of hanging just dragged, his new interest in cars and speed had shifted Charlie mercilessly from his throne of favorite toy. "But now, my friend," Mac thought "A new golden age is waiting for you."

The first direct flight from Chicago to Athens departed on Tuesday evening, local time, arriving in Athens late Wednesday afternoon, by the time difference. The day before Thanksgiving. Mac couldn't prepare a scene and a dialogue to serve him as a pattern of behavior because he knew nothing of what would happen and what would be Stella's reaction on seeing him. He couldn't even foresee his own reaction when he saw her, with that marvelous transformation in her body because of the small life that both had created. In the party's pictures he had seen, he had thought she was more beautiful than ever, but who knew how both would finally react.

On Monday, the furniture had been sent and on Tuesday afternoon, before leaving for the airport, Mac called his doorman to ask if it had arrived. The man told him it was already unpacked and placed in the pink room, as they had agreed. His wife had placed the cradle's clothes as he had indicated, and the cushions on the rocking chair. Everything was lovely. They had also placed the little horse in the middle of the room.

Mac had lived through such great emotional turmoil, and had had so little sleep that during the trip he finally succumbed to exhaustion and slept for hours, which greatly refreshed him. When he arrived, at last, at Athens, he was rested and felt a happy man. While waiting to pick up his luggage, he was comforted when he passed his hand over the slight bulge that the box with the ring formed on the inside pocket of his jacket. What would Stella's face look like when he offered it? He couldn't wait any longer...

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><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	20. Chapter 20

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Thanks to Lily Moonlight, as always, for helping me with the English version.

From Spain, to all of you... **HAPPY NEW YEAR!**

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 19**

The day before Thanksgiving turned out to be a boring and sad day for Stella. Sad because she couldn't prevent her mind returning to the happy memories of the two previous years, and compared to them, her present loneliness was even more evident. Boring because it was a week of impasse at the Embassy, with the activity reduced to a minimum. Greece continued its normal rhythm, vital and rushed, but for the Americans it was the great family week and almost all the young staff of the embassy had returned home to keep up the tradition and spend Thanksgiving Day with their families. For some of them, it was an opportunity they had only once a year to be with family. In Stella's department she was the only one staying, and she had gone back to her house, all the long weekend ahead of her, free of work and obligations. With a sigh, she thought it was going to be a very long weekend indeed. She had even been thinking about going to Chicago, crazy though the idea was... The thought had been enormously tempting, but then she thought about her baby's welfare and didn't consider it right to take the risk of a trip, thousands of miles in distance, only to return in a few days.

The day before she had received an e-mail from Mac.

_I'm in __Chicago__, missing you. I know that if you don't come it's because you have some compelling reason, but my mother tells me that she will miss you terribly, and wants to tell you to take care of yourself , and that she's willing to embrace you..._

When she read Mac's text, it brought tears to her eyes. The fact that Mac's mother accepted her was very important to Stella. In the three months passed since she had discovered she was pregnant, she had often wished she could talk to Millie and ask her things about the pregnancy and the physical changes she was experiencing... In short, things that she would have asked her mother, if alive. In recent days Stella was a bit concerned because although the baby was moving inside her, it was very soft, just a tingling, like a butterfly fluttering inside, not the kick that the baby was supposed to start giving at this stage of pregnancy. The doctor had reassured her, each baby has its rhythm... The time would come when the baby would crush ruthlessly her kidneys, bladder, stomach, but... Why didn't it kick yet?

Thank goodness she had Maria, after all. She wasn't a very educated person, but she was clever, she wasn't tied to the past or influenced by silly superstition. She insisted Stella on eating well, yes, but not in the sense of "eating for two" or anything, but taking a balanced diet, with the best natural products found in the market. Always attentive to what Dr. Samaras recommended, Maria was taking care of her with such devotion that Stella was amused. It would be hard when the time to leave arrived, and Stella didn't want to think about that. Would her life be a continual passing of people to love, but with no one who stayed definitely in it? Would she end up losing everyone she grew fond of?

Inside, Stella wore a light white blouse, which she had been forced to buy because she no longer fit into her clothes. The blouse went with pants, but at home she felt better with her legs free with the garment covering her mid-thigh, and ballet pumps to be comfortable. She considered herself enormous, but in truth, she hadn't gained a lot of weight, except on her belly, which formed a smooth but recognizable curve.

Maria had gone in the afternoon, after being sure she had eaten and rested afterwards. Stella had offered her a vacation for the rest of the week because she had nothing to do but staying at home, and she was perfectly able to cope alone, as she had done all her life before she met her, but Maria had rejected the offer. She said she would be bored all day alone, and taking care of Stella and her house wasn't laborious, but rather an entertainment for her. In addition, she was very well paid. She considered herself a very lucky woman.

Stella had politely turned down a couple of invitations to share dinner with some compatriots on Thanksgiving Day. The ambassador and his wife had insisted that she spend the day with them and their family. Stella knew it was a sincere offer, but she preferred not to accept. The ambassador's children and grandchildren had arrived during the week and Stella knew that although they all would welcome her with kindness, she was nothing more than an outsider in a family that didn't have many occasions to meet and share that intimacy, or that noise, or that unique joy which comes with meeting loved ones in exceptional and emotional times.

When that evening the door bell rang, Stella was surprised. Sometimes her friend Betty Connors visited her during her evening walk with her two months old baby girl, a happy, gorgeous and chubby baby called Helena, in honour of the country where she had been conceived and in which she was born. But the Connors had travelled to the United States for the grandparents to meet the new family member, so it couldn't be Betty, and if Maria had forgotten something she would use her own key to enter... Stella went to the door and looked cautiously through the peephole. All she could see was a white rose. Her heart skipped a beat as she opened it. She had to be dreaming, surely it wasn't possible...

Mac took a taxi and left the Athens airport towards Stella's home, whose address he knew thanks to Adam's skills. During the route, they had made a short stop, after some difficulties in communication with the taxi driver, who knew as much English as Mac knew Greek (and he didn't think "_moro-mou_" or "_s'agapó_" could be suitable in this case, except to win a punch in the nose). After a lot of sign language, the driver had understood that Mac was looking for a place to buy flowers, but when he saw Mac leave the shop with a single white rose in his hand, the driver thought he was a very stingy American, or very weird, or both.

The fact was that the taxi driver had left his passenger at the gate of a beautiful Mediterranean-style house with a lovely garden, with his bag and one rose in his hand. The driver was so curious that he lingered a bit to watch through the fence until Mac arrived at the front door and rang the bell. The driver wanted to see what kind of woman it was who would be happy with a single rose. And in spite of being meters away, he could not help but whistle softly when the door opened at last, and a beautiful woman with caramel-coloured curls and endless legs rushed into the arms of the "Man of the Rose".

Gee, if that gives such good results, he thought, he could try it. What if he took a rose to his wife, who was angry with him since he had left her alone on Sunday to go watch the football game at the bar with his friends? Probably his Katerina would beat him with the rose, she was very temperamental, but perhaps he should try and see what happened. At least, it will be cheap!

Mac had almost no time to react when the door opened and a mixture of curls, long legs and white cloth rushed towards him, embracing him as if her life depended on it. He dropped his bag and squeezed her even more against him, immediately feeling between them the bulge that their daughter occupied. For a few seconds, neither of them was able to speak, they just stood there, holding the other as if they feared that if they quit the moment would vanish to reveal that it had been a dream. But suddenly, someone else decided she had something to say. The baby kicked with such force that Mac felt it in his stomach. They parted with a gesture of surprise, while Stella put her hand on her belly. Mac grabbed her hand and kissed her, and she began to cry.

"This time you didn't miss it, Mac, this is the first kick of our child... Please don't blame me for the other things, for not telling you, I had no choice."

Mac recalled his mother's words: _Reproaches, zero_. He didn't need the advice, actually, now that he saw her. She looked so splendid carrying their daughter, that he didn't want anything could sadden their reunion.

"I can't blame you, I have a large share of blame for all this misunderstanding..." He hugged her again and this time his mouth settled on hers with such sweetness and eagerness that this time Stella's legs grew weak. When they finally entered, Stella took over the white rose, and she kissed it before placing it in a tall, narrow vase of glass placed over the fireplace. Mac was surprised at the beautiful house, but all his attention was on Stella. He hugged her again, and he felt once again his daughter's movements. They sat on the sofa, and Mac's hands went immediately to Stella's belly, caressing it. Looking into her eyes, he smiled and asked, as he didn't know...

"So, you said there was something you had to tell me when you could look into my eyes?

Stella laughed, placing her hand on Mac's one on her belly. She breathed deeply, and becoming serious said:

"Mac, we're having a child... something that makes me so happy that I can't express it in words. And now that you're here with me, much more so, because I... I love you, Mac Taylor."

"I love you too, Stella, more than my life. And I want to be a good father to this baby." While he spoke, he grabbed Stella's hand with one of his hands, while the other searched in his jacket pocket, pulling out and opening a small box in the sight of her. "And I want you to be my wife and start our family together." Stella gasped at the beautiful ring in the box. It wasn't very big or flashy, but it had a sleek design and a high quality diamond. "It's the ring my father gave my mother and my grandfather Taylor gave my grandmother before... But if you prefer, I can buy a new one."

Stella had taken the ring, excited.

"How could I prefer another one? Mac, this is an honor for me."

"Do you accept me, then, with all my stubbornness, despite being so obsolete, Mr. _Rules-to-follow_, a walking manual?"

"Mac, don't remember that... We said horrible things. Of course I accept you, if you accept me with all my past and whatever the future brings."

"The future is ours, and our little baby girl."

"Baby girl? Why do I have the feeling that all this doesn't catch you by surprise?"

"Another time, I'll tell you about a dream I had..." Mac changed the subject, as he took the ring and placed it on Stella's finger. "You know what my mother told me? She wanted you to take the ring because you're special to her, and she wants you to own something of hers, from the family, and she wants you to know that you belong to our family, to the people who love you and will never fail you."

Stella hugged him again and kissed him fiercely.

"I missed you at my side, everywhere, in my bed" This time it was Mac who kissed her, sliding his hand to her chest. Stella drew back a little, and he was frightened.

"Did I hurt you?"

Stella laughed softly.

"Not at all, Mac, it's just that... I feel as big as a whale."

"A whale? Noooo," he moved away a little, looking at her appreciatively. "A mermaid, I would say."

"Mermaid?" Stella laughed, "Manatee, maybe."

"Well, manatee, then. My beautiful manatee..." Stella hit him with her elbow in the ribs.

"Aghhh! So... How is manatees' love like?" His hand slid over Stella's breasts as he kissed her again. "Can they be sexually active even when they're pregnant?"

"They can, Mac, they can. I asked. Until a couple of weeks before delivery, they can..."

"Naughty girl..."

Stella got up, taking his hand on their way to her bedroom. She felt a little embarrassed about Mac seeing her naked, her body so changed because of the pregnancy. But her desire for him was higher than her shyness. She had longed so much for this moment...

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><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	21. Chapter 21

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Thanks to Lily Moonlight, as always, for her help with the English text.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 20**

When he raised the long white cotton blouse over her shoulders and head, freeing her, Mac was able to appreciate more the changes in Stella's body. The thin waist that he had seen many times due to her short tops and his furtive glances in the locker room at the Lab, the waist he had encircled almost entirely with his big hands that blessed night they made love, had now rounded in the front side, showing a curve so lovely and perfect that his hands couldn't move away. Touching, caressing, kissing... the bulge that started already under her breast to grow slowly and sink with a higher curvature toward her panties attracted him greatly. The golden light of the last rays of the afternoon sun, filtering through the window, made all her skin glow. Everything seemed now soft and round in Stella. When he took off her bra, he could also see a substantial change in her breasts, which he had always admired, without daring to look cheekily. Larger, more rounded, different that he remembered from that night. She had now much larger areolas and darker nipples. Stella was a dark skinned woman, but the night they had had sex for the first time Mac had discovered with surprise that the colour of that area so attractive to a man was so clear that it barely differed from the rest of her skin, and now it had darkened. He bent to kiss her breasts with worship, provoking a deep sigh from her. Mac drew back.

"Will you tell me if I'm hurting you? I've heard the breasts become very sensitive and I wouldn't want to hurt you"

"I'm not complaining, silly, it's just that I'd missed this too much... Of course I'll tell you if something is uncomfortable, but I'm not going to break. The increased sensitivity has its positive side." She smiled at him, putting his hand on one of her breasts again.

Mac laughed softly, as he returned with his lips caressing, kissing now the soft blue line of a vein showing through her skin. Stella had unbuttoned his shirt and he let it slip over his shoulders and arms to fall on the floor. Stella hugged him and kissed softly his chest scar, producing a tingle through him. Within seconds the only thing that Stella was wearing was her engagement ring, while in his nakedness Mac showed that the physical change in his partner didn't decrease his desire for her, rather the contrary. He didn't need any more encouragement than to look at her and caress her gently and with reverence for his erection being displayed in all its splendor and considerable size. Gently lying down on the bed, they found soon that their bodies didn't need another thing to complement than proximity, the contact of the skin, the soft or passionate kisses, the deep breath and finally the name of each of them in the mouth of the other as a satisfied cry.

It was amazing, better even than six months ago. Better than either of them had ever experienced in their lives. Recovering his breath, Mac couldn't stop smiling.

"I'm thinking I'll try to get you to stay in this state as much as possible. I love making love to pregnant women."

Stella looked at him mischievously.

"Oh yeah? And exactly how many pregnant women have you made love to?"

Mac narrowed his eyes as if trying to make a calculation.

"Well... I don't remember very well if they were one or... none?"

They both laughed heartily.

"To one, yes, I can assure you that, you rascal. I never thought you could say things like that, the always serious and restrained Mac Taylor."

"I have many talents which are normally hidden, as you've seen," he said, pointing to his member, now at rest, "But some of them become evident by just looking at you, _Agapi mou_."

She looked at him to see if this last expression was part of the joke, but Mac had become serious.

_Agapi mou_, my love. Stella had always thought that it was a very corny expression to say it out loud, but now she looked at Mac and it didn't seem cheesy at all. Instead, in his hoarse voice, they seemed the most beautiful words she had ever heard.

"_S'agapó_" she said. "I love you."

"_S'agapó, Agapi mou_. I love you Stella, you and our baby. Nothing will ever change that, I promise you."

They rested, embraced until hunger reminded Stella that they hadn't had dinner. They got up to regain strength. Mac recalled that he hadn't called his mother to confirm he had arrived, and suddenly he had an idea. With the camera in his mobile phone, and both dressed again (he didn't want to provoke shocks), he took a frontal picture of Stella, showing the ring on her finger, and another one in profile, indicating the curve of her belly. Finally, hugging her from behind and showing his face behind her shoulder he took one of both of them, extending his arm as much as possible. They were horrific, in Stella's opinion, but the joy on their faces was so clear that it made up for everything. Immediately he sent the pictures to his mother and waited a few minutes to be sure they had arrived before calling and talking to her. It wasnine o'clockat night in Athens, so in Chicago it was two in the afternoon, the hour that Mac's watch still showed. He helped Stella to arrange the table and they served the rich moussaka that Maria had left as a dinner for Stella. Before starting to enjoy it, he made the call.

"Mother? It's me, Mac. I wanted you to know that I arrived inAthensand we're very well..." He couldn't say anymore. With a comic gesture, he handed the phone to Stella. "She wants to talk to you"

Stella smiled shyly, not knowing how to deal with her future mother-in-law, now that it was her new status...

"Mrs. Taylor? It's Stella"

... (_The dots represent what Millie says, we have to use our imagination here)_

Mac couldn't hear what your mother was saying Stella.

"Yeah, okay, no more Mrs. Taylor, Millie"

...

She sat with her other hand stroking her belly and smiled. Mac was amused to hear only half a conversation and imagine the rest.

"Yes, yes, Mac's been good" Stella looked at him, winking, listening to what Millie was saying, all excitement and joy.

...

"We took them just now. Have you seen what a belly I've got?"

...

"No, no, everything is going very well. I just was sick the first few weeks, but I didn't think I was pregnant, I thought it was the change of food. The doctor scolded me for not realizing what was happening until three months into the pregnancy."

...

Millie's response made her laugh, and she continued listening.

"Well, I still have a month to finish here. My contract is through the end of the year, but I still have my vacation days to take, so in mid-December I can definitely return."

...

"Yes, and I can't wait much longer, or the trip would be a risk. I think the airlines wouldn't be thrilled about carrying pregnant women in their third term for long trips"

...

"Yes, of course, for Christmas, because tomorrow it may not be. I'm sorry I left you without Mac on Thanksgiving Day."

...

"No, I didn't think about doing anything special. But the lady I have to look after the house told me she would cook a turkey for me. I didn't want it, eating alone as I thought I would do... but tomorrow she will come with the turkey, for sure. What Maria says, go to church, so we'll have a turkey, yes. She said she was going to cook it in American-style. She's so great!"

...

"Yes, I have been very lucky having Maria with me these past months. But I've become a lazy woman, she makes everything at home!"

...

"Yes, yes, I take care myself a lot. A kiss, Millie" Stella handed the phone to Mac again, with her face full of laughter. "Your turn."

"Tell me, Mom"

...

"Yes, I will care for her. She's what matters most to me in the world."

...

"Yes. I found her wonderful, beautiful" Stella looked at him when he said that. "And now, happy, her eyes tell me. You know how Stella's eyes are, what she feels is reflected in them."

...

"Yes, Mom. I have to go now, we're about to have dinner, it's nine."

...

"It's late for dinner, yes, I know. We have been a while... catching up"

...

Mac's face was now a poem. Stella wondered what his mother would be saying, because he had blushed. He cleared his throat.

"Yes, Mom, of course I do care. All very smoothly, and avoiding putting all of my weight on her..."

Stella understood now, and she laughed heartily. Now Mac was red to his ears.

...

"I'll call you soon, I love you, mom. Be good, you too."

With a sigh, he ended the call. He went to kiss Stella.

"She sends you many kisses"

"Mac, your mother is a real star. I'm happy she will be my baby's grandmother. She told me that she forgives me for taking you away from her this Thanksgiving Day because in return I'll give her a granddaughter, and she's going to be the super-grandmother. By the way... Did she have dreams about the baby's sex too? Is that why she's convinced she's having a granddaughter? "

"I told her..." Mac changed the subject. "And that dinner looks so good, we'd better eat it..."

They enjoyed the delicious moussaka and then, calmly lying on the couch, Mac drank coffee while Stella had a big glass of milk. She had got used to it, at Maria's insistence, and now she even liked it, though she had always hated drinking milk.

When Stella put the empty glass on the table, she turned to Mac, staring at him until he looked at her. They smiled at each other, and she took one of his hands in hers before asking:

"Mac... Are you going to explain how did you find me?"

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	22. Chapter 22

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Thanks to Lily Moonlight, for her help with the English. She 's always there.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 21**

_"Mac... Are you going to explain how did you find me?"_

Mac looked at her, smiling. He didn't know how much information he wanted to give her.

"Well, I'd like to say it was thanks to my incomparable detective skills... but, in fact, the first clue I had came from a somewhat unusual source. You can't imagine who..."

Stella leaned back further, placing her head in Mac's lap, encouraging him with a gesture to continue.

"Your old friend, agent Smithson, saw you on TV when the President was here. He said it was only a short sequence, but he was sure it was you. From there it was easy, I found the photo gallery of the event on the website of the American embassy et voilà, there you were, with a nice green dress and a round belly. Since I assumed that it wouldn't be because of the Greek beer..."

"You got mad because I didn't tell you?"

"At first, yes, I can't deny that... I'd have liked not to have missed anything in this whole affair, and not knowing where the hell you were had me worried... But, well, then I saw other pictures that improved my mood"

"What other pictures?"

Mac decided to tell her everything, or almost everything. Enough of hiding things, they had had too much of that. He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, which hung over the chair, and pulled out the reproduction of the ultrasound that he had received. He showed it to Stella.

"A few minutes after finding out you were inAthensthis came to my email from Dr. Samaras' Practice. In the upper corner, look what it says. Baby Taylor. And its mother, Stella Bonasera. How could I be mad after seeing this?"

Stella was shocked.

"Did they send the ultrasound to you? I called to say I hadn't received it and the girl said that she had sent it! She must have used the emergency email contact, I had given them yours. She sent me the picture again, and it finally arrived" Stella looked at her baby. "Isn't it gorgeous?"

"She is."

Stella was surprised again about Mac's allusion to the "she" baby.

"And through an ultrasound that got sent to you by mistake you found me... How did you know where I lived? Mac, you're a hound..."

"I have to confess that I had to use Adam's computer skills, and I won't explain the procedures of dubious legality, or downright illegal ones I used to achieve that... But who cares? We are as we should be at last."

Stella smiled. "So Adam knows? What about the others?"

"Adam is the only one who knows, if at this point he has managed to keep his mouth shut, which will be hard on him, but he promised. It should be us who tells Danny and Lindsay, and Don..."

"We'll wait until we return, or...? I have an idea! Tomorrow we could get some better photos with my camera and we could send them to their emails with a message to congratulate them on Thanksgiving Day. What do you think?"

Mac smiled at her.

"I think it's a great idea. Lindsay has had it rough, believe me, and Lucy has missed you so much. But we must not let them have any more time of uncertainty than necessary... I'd like to know what they say when they see what we have to show them..." he said, caressing Stella's belly at the same time. The baby kicked again, as she had when he arrived hours earlier.

"Stella, there's something else I knew that day, when all about you seemed no longer to be a mystery. Horatio Caine told me that you've been proposed as the director of the new CSI New Orleans Lab. Is that true, and how are we going to cope with that?"

Stella smiled at how Mac had phrased his sentence. "How are we are going to cope," he had said "we".

"It was nothing concrete, Mac, only the future intentions of those who decide these things, and, apparently, they thought I was a good candidate. It seems that everything will be much slower now that the budgets have been cut... I really don't know what to think or how to respond if they offered me definitely the job right now."

"Well, we'll resolve the problem when it arises, not before. Don't you think?"

Mac didn't want to think very much about this complication.

Stella continued. "Moreover, it seems that I am the candidate of the year... In recent days I've received two interesting proposals... Well three, counting yours" She breathed on the ring and pretended to polish it, with a mocking gesture.

"How come?" Mac asked her.

First, the US Department of State wants me permanently, it seems they find my work excellent, and the compliments to me that the President himself made has led them to make me an offer with a very advantageous contract. And second, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Greece has also asked me to become his liaison with the US, others who have succumbed to my charm..."

"I hope it's to your charm, in general, and not your list of charms..." Mac leaned to kiss her. "I'm glad on one hand, but on the other I'm afraid that the entire world knows that you're really good in everything you set out to do..." He pretended to sigh, pitifully. "Alongside these proposals, mine is by far the least advantageous."

"Yours is the only one I'm sure I won't refuse. Mac Taylor, you're trapped!"

This time, Stella stood up and pulled him towards the bedroom where she hoped to repeat the sublime experience of the afternoon. The dance of the pregnancy hormones made her very willing to have sex with the man in her life, the father of her baby, with her love at last reunited.

Mac slept little, despite the physical toll of sex. Stella, however, seemed to rest perfectly. He looked at her for hours. There was no woman in the world more beautiful for him. When Stella awoke, she found his eyes on her, watching her sleep. She reached over and kissed him before getting up.

"I'll be back in a minute. I have to, you know, pee."

Mac laughed, he had noticed that Stella had to visit the bathroom every few hours to relieve her bladder... Snags of pregnancy. When he saw her again, walking naked to the bed, he couldn't help feel his body screamed for joining hers again. Stella seemed to have the same need, because instead of lying down at his side, she kissed him and immediately felt Mac's reaction, in more than one place...

"Well, well, DetectiveTaylor... For your age you're very frisky..."

"I have a good stimulus, and I've accumulated a lot of ammo, too"

"You know I have a pregnancy guide that the doctor gave me... and it explains the best positions for sex during pregnancy"

"Wow! I like it."

"I intend to try them all."

Mac laughed

"Today?"

She pinched his butt, as she sat on him like a rider on horseback.

"This is, according to the guide, one of the most popular." She sought with her hand and found what she was looking for, hard and ready. She led Mac's member to its natural place and slowly slid down on him. Their intimate connection made them both sigh. Slowly, Stella began riding him, without haste, but providing both with an increasing pleasure. Mac put his hands on her hips to help her to sway. Soon they were both coming to the gates of heaven. Stella commanded, demanded, imposed the rhythm, which was in crescendo, like the sounds coming from their throats.

Maria arrived at her usual time. She opened the door with her key and took off her coat, which hung in the closet at the entrance. The weather wasn't too cold. The previous evening she had bought the turkey and she had already prepared the stuffing and the turkey at her home, so she only needed to stuff it and put it in the oven. She didn't want Stella to yearn for her country and its traditions in such an important day.

Maria had left everything in the kitchen when she heard a noise which gave her the shock of her life... Stella was screaming. God! Was she being assaulted, or was it a premature birth... It must at least be a nightmare... Maria hurried into the bedroom, ready to finish whatever was happening...

Maria opened the door and ran towards Stella's bed. Stella was bouncing up and down, naked... naked on top of... "Oh God, oh my God...!" Maria stood there, paralyzed and speechless, while they continued, both very busy in their entertaining activity, crying "Mac!" and "Stella!" until they both came and Stella leaned gently over him, exhausted. That's when, turning her head to lie on Mac's chest, Stella saw Maria. Exchanging glances, Maria realized the awkward situation. Mac saw her then too, looking scared for a moment.

Maria turned and ran outside the room, as fast as she had entered, with unusual speed for a woman of her age. Stella then began to laugh, and the sound of her laughter infected Mac too, who embraced her as they both rolled onto their sides

"Caught!" Was all that Mac could say.

"That," said Stella, "Was my dear Maria, the one and only Maria Kostopoulos."

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	23. Chapter 23

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Thanks again to Lily Moonlight for being there, always helping.

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 22**

After Maria had caught Mac and Stella in their highly pleasant and noisy lovemaking, they remained embraced for a few moments, until Stella sat up.

"Poor Maria, she must have heard us and who knows what she might have thought was wrong, when in theory I should be here alone... I'm going to talk to her."

"What a way to meet me!" Mac laughed. "I'd better get decent before the formal introduction. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. I'll have a shower, shave and dress to try and make her opinion of me a little better."

Stella put on her gown, smiling, and headed to the kitchen. Maria was there, sitting on a chair with her elbow leaning on the table and her hand covering her eyes, not knowing what to do. She hoped that Stella wasn't very angry, it all was quite unintentional. She usually knocked the door before entering, in case Stella was in her bedroom, but she had been truly frightened by the sounds she heard. But without wishing to, what she had done was a blatant invasion of privacy of two people enjoying each other's company. And they certainly had been enjoying themselves! Her own thought made her smile. Suddenly, she saw Stella leaning in the kitchen door, arms crossed, watching her. Maria didn't know how long she had been there. Before Maria could say anything, however, Stella stepped forward.

"It's okay, Maria, don't worry."

"I ... I ... I'm sorry, really. I should have knocked, but I was scared..."

"Shhhh, I know, I imagined you were."

"If you had told me he was coming, I would have been more careful... Because he is... he is..." and she pointed to Stella's belly. Stella laughed.

"Yes, he is. But I didn't know he was coming, he just arrived yesterday afternoon... Surprise!"

"Well, I see, I actually saw with my own eyes, that if there were any problems you've solved it very well... Certainly for me the surprise was... I almost had a heart attack." Maria laughed, finally, and hugged Stella. She kissed her belly. "And do you know that when you do a lot of what I saw, these things (and she pointed to Stella's belly) happen?" She still had her face close to her belly when the baby gave a good kick. Maria's eyes widened. Stella laughed.

"Another novelty! The baby has been kicking like this since yesterday, when its father arrived. It seems to be its way of greeting." They both laughed. At that moment, Mac appeared in the door, clean, shaved and dressed in jeans and with the less creased shirt he had found in his bag. Maria stood up, with a trace of fear, but Mac's smiling face while approaching dissipated it a bit.

"Mac, this is Maria Kostopoulos, about whom I have already told you. Maria, this is Mac Taylor, my..." Stella hesitated to apply the adjective. "My fiancé." and showed Maria the ring on her finger. Maria smiled, satisfied.

"Mr. Taylor, I'm very sorry about before... It won't be repeated." Stella translated Maria's words for Mac. She had made the introduction in English, because she knew Maria understood the language almost perfectly, but she refused to speak it. An ancestral shyness and a tremendous fear of ridicule about an incorrect pronunciation (much less incorrect than she thought) prevented her from using a language that she really knew much better than she pretended.

"It's okay Ms. Kostopoulos... I know how much you care for Stella, and how you have cared for her these months, and I'm very grateful for it." He took her hand and kissed it. Maria didn't know where to look, she was excited. My God, how could Stella have been mad with this man, if, in addition to being more handsome and taller than he appeared in the pictures, he was so charming and gallant!

"Please, call me Maria" She ventured to say in English, her entire face red.

"Only if you call me Mac, OK?"

"OK, Mac."

They shook hands to seal the deal. That served to awake the real Maria and put her in "Maria Mode ON."

"For starters, while you have breakfast, I'm going to iron that shirt. Nobody in my charge is going to wear shirts as creased as an accordion. And bring me your other shirts and pants, too. Ironing service is open!"

Stella translated it for Mac, because Maria had changed her speech to Greek, so while Stella arranged the table for breakfast, Mac changed into a T-shirt and gave his clothes to "Sergeant" Maria, knowing it was useless to refuse her orders.

"Phew, who would dare to disobey," he muttered to Stella.

"She's a very good person, Mac, you don't know how much she's helped me"

"I know, it's obvious that she adores you, but how could she not?" He took Stella's hand and kissed it. "And I'm relieved to know she's been here with you these last few months so you haven't been so alone."

In this way started the most original Thanksgiving Day Mac and Stella had had in their lives. After breakfast and getting dressed, Mac in a perfect shirt now, they put into practice the idea of the previous day to take some good pictures to send to their friends. So they could tell them their news and wish them a great Thanksgiving. Stella knew she owed her friends an explanation and that she had to apologize for her hasty departure and the subsequent lack of news, but she was sure nobody would stay angry when they saw and understood the situation. Of course, they only knew the discussion that she and Mac had, but perhaps they didn't know why or what had happened after her birthday's celebration. Over time she would explain it all to Lindsay. Regardless, she was sure that now the problems were solved between her and Mac, no one else would feel uncomfortable. She expected quite the opposite, that they would be happy for them, as she felt that day, happier than in her entire life.

The morning was a bit cool but very bright. Mac spotted a garden area where a clematis plant was in full bloom, which he liked as a background for the pictures. He arranged the tripod and camera, ready for everything to be perfect. They called Maria to appear in some pictures with them too, and although at first she flatly refused, saying she was not well groomed and dressed, they were finally able to convince her and everyone had fun posing and then seeing the result on the computer's screen. There were some really beautiful photos. Mac promised Maria copies of them all, seeing as she wasn't able to choose some and discard others, she wanted them all to remember. At that moment, after the joy she had had for Stella, she knew that the farewell was coming.

Just a month more and she would go, perhaps for her never to see her again. And taking with her the baby she wouldn't know... It was going to be tough, much more than with any of the families she had been with previously, because although she had appreciated everyone, with no one else had she had the loving relationship she had with Stella. Maria was comforted seeing her well and happier than she had known her so far... but seeing her leave would be very difficult.

At noon, Mac and Stella arrived at the city, Stella anxious to show Mac the wonders of the Acropolis. They planned having lunch in Plaka, the old part of the town, and Maria had left the turkey ready for the traditional dinner in the evening. She had been invited to stay with them, but Maria knew very well the rule of "don't disturb" and it seemed that those two had much time to recover together. Knowing there would be time during the next month to get to know Mac better and share more things, she had refused their invitation politely.

It was a good time for sightseeing, without the crowds of summer visitors. They were fortunate to find a clever young man who took some great photos of them beside the Parthenon and the Erechtheion temple with Mac's camera. Mac's favourite picture was one in which Stella was ahead and he was surrounding her with his arms under her belly from behind, Stella's hands above his. Many times, when he stroked Stella's belly, the baby gave a tap, as if she knew he was there... Or that's what Mac wanted to believe. Back home in the afternoon they had the difficult task of selecting photos, but eventually they chose two of them, one in which they stood next to the Parthenon, which would save the explanation of where the hell they were... and another one in the garden of the house in which, according to Mac, Stella couldn't be more spectacularly beautiful, with rays of sun shining on her hair like a golden halo and the colour of her eyes competing with the intense green of the leaves from the climbing plant full of flowers. Mac was with her, with an adoring look at her, in what seemed to him a fair reflection of reality, his hand resting on her belly, along with hers.

"It's terribly fluffy, don't you think?" Stella thought that their facial muscles were resent so much goofy smiling. Mac looked at her, raising his eyes, with that gesture so characteristic of him. Thoughtfully, he replied:

"Yes"

The two burst into laughter. Mac sent the photos to their friends, and wished he had the gift of ubiquity to be there with Stella, and inNew Yorkseeing their friends' faces when they received the photos. Being a public holiday each of them would receive the pictures at home, if they decided to open their email... Mac would have given anything to see the way every one reacted. Well, Adam would probably be less surprised, being the only one who knew where Stella was and what her condition was, but he also would be surprised to learn that Mac was there with her, when everyone thought he was spending the holiday with his mother in Chicago...

Lindsay didn't have much to do this holiday. They were going to have dinner with the whole Messer family, and her contribution was her special apple dessert, which was already prepared. Lucy and her father were sharing a nap, perfectly synchronized, and Lindsay thought it was good time to send the latest picture of the little girl to her grandparents inMontanaand wish theMonroesa good day. The previous year they had been there and then had spent Christmas with the Messers, this year they alternated and while they stayed in New York for Thanksgiving, they had planned to travel to Montana for Christmas.

When Lindsay opened her email, she saw the incoming message from Stella. She was surprised, and even more because the beginning of the message text wasn't Stella's style... Her eyes immediately went to the signature, Mac and Stella. She opened her mouth, without any sound out of it, and opened the attachment before reading the message. The two were next to... Was that the Parthenon? They were in Greece! The image was too large to fit on the screen, so all she saw were their faces and the temple behind them. Lindsay clicked to accommodate the size, and... This time the sound came loudly out of her mouth.

Lindsay's whoop awoke Danny completely, and he left the bedroom running, scared. He thought Lindsay had fallen, or that something had fallen on her... But she was there, sitting at the table in front of the computer... When she saw him, she pointed her finger to the screen. "What, baby? You scared me, "Lindsay still didn't utter a word, she continued pointing. Danny walked over, stood behind her and saw what had left his wife almost catatonic, after the initial shout. He couldn't help doing the same.

"Heyyyyyyyyyyy!"

The Messers looked at each other and burst out laughing. Lindsay stood up and hugged her husband with a force that nearly knocked them both over.

"April Fool's Day isn't today in Greece, is it?" Danny asked, still stunned. They were looking at the picture again. Never in all the years they had known Mac and Stella had they seen them with such a happy expression on their faces. The next photo merely confirmed it. Stella looked at the camera, showing her proud status of mother-to-be and Mac looked at her, no less proud and jubilant. It was... just perfect. After the first impression, they were prepared to read the text.

_In this very special Thanksgiving Day I want, we want, to wish you a good day and share our happiness with you. We hope you'll be glad to know that in three months Stella and I will be parents of our first baby. Everything is perfect, Stella couldn't be better. We'll leaveAthensin mid-December and then we'll see you all.._

_Mac and Stella_

Lindsay immediately took the phone to talk to Don. His way of answering told her that, like Danny moments ago, Don was at that time practicing his favourite sport after meals, napping.

"Flack"

"Don, it's Lindsay. Have you opened your mail?

Don was still a little sleepy, but he remembered what the day was.

"Today is a holiday, they don't deliver mail. Why do you ask?"

"I mean email."

"Ah ... No, I haven't. Why?"

"Will you look at it, please? But don't hang up!"

Don went to his laptop and turned it on.

"You'll have to wait until it starts and loads, it's very slow."

"I'll wait"

"What is this mystery for you to be so...?"

The mail had been opened and Don immediately saw the newest message, Stella Bonasera.

"Oh, good... News from Stella!"

Lindsay had enough.

"Open the photos first!"

Almost before she finished saying that, Don's yell made her move the phone away from her ear. Danny heard it too.

"Wooooowwww" And almost immediately: "Lindsay ... Is that ... that is ...?

"That's exactly what it seems... A six-month pregnant belly!"

"But... How... how is that possible?"

"Don, didn't they explain all that stuff about the little bees, the flowers, the tiny seeds to you in school... And why you have to use a condom?"

Don was now laughing heartily.

"Yes, but... Mac? When?"

"It seems that the arguments between them apparently had more depth than we knew... But, in short, all is done and, according to their message, they'll back soon. And Don, happy Thanksgiving."

"The same to you too, thanks. My day's improved a lot with this."

The rest of the team had a similar reaction, with the popular "Woooowww" from Sid, the "Yessssssssss" from Sheldon and the quiet smile and sigh from Adam, relieved for having the freedom to openly tell what he knew, the secrecy having been so hard to keep in the few days that had passed since the discovery of where and how Stella was and the resolution of the mystery.

While Adam was still looking at the photos, a light beep warned him about another incoming mail. It came from the same sender, Stella Bonasera, but Adam knew it was from Mac, and this was only for him. It just said:

_"Thank you!"_

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>

_Sorry, I left by mistake some of the Lily's comments in the text... I corrected it and now I think all is OK._


	24. Chapter 24

The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Thanks to Lily Moonlight. After her suggestions and corrections the text always looks better.

This is nearly finished!

* * *

><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 23**

A month had passed as quick as a flash, and the last few days had been full of emotions for Stella. The Embassy staff gave her a lot of gifts at her farewell party, all of them wishing the best for Mac and her. Mac had met them and everyone thought them a fantastic couple, but the most important thing was the evidence that that they loved each other.

Stella had finished her job brilliantly and she had been informed that in future, the framework for American leaders' high-security in Europe was going to be called the "Protocol Bonasera". They reiterated their offer for Stella to join the security services of the US Department of State at a destination of her choice, which would open up a range of options for her, even more interesting than the CSI lead in New Orleans. Above all, it would make it possible for her to search for a destination in New York to allow Mac and her to start their family and raise their children.

The offer to coordinate security efforts between the US government and UN forces in the headquarters in New York, open until Stella decided to join them, looked likely to be her choice. She couldn't marry Mac and work in the same chain of command in the CSI... and leaving for New Orleans with their first baby on the way, was out of the question. Working for a different institution, in her home city, seemed to be the most reasonable decision.

The economic part of the offer, the shorter hours and other benefits offered to Stella had left Mac gaping. If she accepted, Stella could earn almost three times his salary as Inspector Chief of the CSI Lab; her medical insurance would be infinitely better for her and her family; maternity provision was higher, and above all, it would mean she would not be working on scenes and facing that potential danger. That to Mac was the greatest benefit.

Here in Greece though, with those decisions still some way off, Mac could not remember having spent a full month in his life without working. And the worst thing, he said to himself, was that he liked it. He didn't miss New York at all, and neither did he miss having to chase criminals. Yeah, he missed the daily presence of their colleagues and friends, but seeing Stella every day and sharing with her every night was worth it, he didn't need anything else. The famous Dr. Samaras' pregnancy guide and its chapter about sex during that period had been a success. In a few days Stella had seen her wish of trying all recommended positions come true. It had provided them moments not only full of sexual satisfaction, but they had had great fun exploring some of the recommendations.

"I never realised the number of uses you can put a chair to," Mac had said, while still catching his breath after finishing a pleasant shared orgasm, and bursting out in laughter as a duet.

In addition, Mac liked Athens. In the mornings, he accompanied Stella to her job and after that, he took his Greek lessons. There was a school that had a special agreement for the American Embassy staff and their families and Mac attended there for three hours every morning. His progress was remarkable, as Maria could observe every day. She was his private tutor. They had agreed to teach each other, and so Maria had never spoken so much English and Mac practiced Greek the whole time at home.

Besides Greek, Maria taught Mac to cook Stella's favourite dishes, and was teaching him too how to prepare creams and purées for the time when the baby started eating solids.

Mac had never imagined he'd be so interested in and entertained by cooking. He caught himself looking up new tasty and healthy recipes on the Internet for Stella, and seeing pages and pages about babies' feeding after the period of breastfeeding, which Stella and he had agreed to prolong as much as possible.

One of the most moving times for Mac inAthenstook place the day he accompanied Stella to her monthly visit to Dr. Samaras' practice. The doctor received him cheerfully, noticing the look of happiness in Stella's eyes, having him beside her. And when Mac saw the ultrasound image of their baby on the screen and heard the loud and regular beating of her little heart, he couldn't stop the tears. Seeing him that way, Stella joined him, and the doctor had to laugh.

"Come on, come on... this is not the time to mourn but to laugh loud and clear. This baby is perfectly healthy... Is there an agreement reached to reveal the sex or do you prefer to wait for the surprise?"

Stella looked at Mac, questioning him, and he cocked his head.

"I already know it, she's a girl. I told you Stella, but if you want the doctor to confirm..."

Stella looked at Dr. Samaras, shaking her head and opening her eyes theatrically.

"He says he dreamed about it... Such scientific evidence!"

"Do you want to know it _scientifically_?"

"Yes." The two responded at once and looked at each other, smiling. The doctor looked on Stella's belly for a better view with the scanner. The baby was quiet with her back turned to them, but then, she gave a little jump and as if she knew what they were hoping for, she showed all. The three laughed. The doctor didn't have to explain anything. It was a girl. Mac couldn't help leaning over Stella and kissing her smiling lips.

"I hope she doesn't keep this habit of showing her private parts so blatantly when she's older..." Mac joked. "My God, I won't know what to do when she reaches adolescence and dresses in the sort of clothes girls wear now... I'll have a heart attack every time she leaves home!"

He said it so seriously that the two women had to laugh.

"Who knows, fashion gives many turns and within thirteen or fourteen years maybe the coolest thing will be going around covered from neck to feet." Dr. Samaras tried to encourage the expectant father. "However, so far, what we know is that she's very healthy and very strong. Stella, she's quite big, and that's good for her, but not so much for you at the time of birth... You should start as soon as possible the childbirth classes. You don't need to be scared, nature knows what to do, and normally big babies come from big women like you, and they are born with the same ease as the little ones, the mother's body responds to what it has been nurturing. So don't panic, but to know what to expect is always good. OK?"

Stella smiled, but her gesture was rather forced.

"There's no turning back, right? I'm not going to deny that it scares me to think about the delivery, but... I hope I'll get through it okay."

"I'll be there with you." Mac helped her to sit up.

"You'd better be!" She hugged him, resting her face on his shoulder. The doctor gave them the image with the impudent foreground her daughter had offered them, and another view of her face in profile. Looking at that, Dr. Samaras ventured to search for resemblances.

"For now, I think she's more aTaylorthan a Bonasera. But children change, sometimes surprisingly, and who knows if when adult she will look like her mother, just like most of the women, who end looking like our mums"

"For her sake I hope so." Mac smiled at Stella.

They agreed with the doctor that she would send Stella's medical history to her doctor in New York, since it was the last visit, and Dr. Samaras begged them to tell her how the birth had been when it occurred. There were only a few days left until their return to America and Stella thanked Dr. Samaras profusely for her excellent service. In turn, she wished Mac and Stella all the happiness in the world.

And then, almost before they realised, they were on the plane back to New York. Maria had insisted on accompanying them to the airport and she had stayed there, next to the passport control gate, crying uncontrollably and throwing kisses with her hands endlessly. Stella had also wept, and Mac had tried to remain calm himself to avoid too much of a sad show, but it had cost him a great effort. Maria was extraordinary. What they would have loved was to take her with them, but she had her life in Athens, she had her only child there, and she couldn't leave everything to live the lives of others. In addition, Kostas had told his mother that, at last he would marry the following year. So, perhaps, in not too long a time Maria would have a baby of her own flesh and blood to take care of.

The flight allowed Stella and Mac to bring up some things that had been deferred. Stella had opened the session with the topic of dreams.

"Mac, you never told me that famous dream, the one that made you sure the baby was a girl." Mac sighed and rested his head on the back of the seat, turning it toward her, smiling.

"It was special, none of my other dreams have remained so clear in my memory. Usually, if I wake up dreaming about something, I forget it a few minutes after, but that day... I can't believe it was a result of alcohol, as I don't want to think this also is..." He put his hand on Stella's belly as she laughed.

"Not a direct consequence, Mac. This did involve not only drinking, there was something else we had to do..."

"I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done... _all the necessary_ without the lack of inhibition that alcohol gave me." He paused and laughed rather ruefully. "Maybe it's better if our daughter doesn't know that particular part… But that night that changed our lives, I dreamed I was lying sunbathing on a beach while watching you play with the little girl by the sea, and then Claire came to me. She said to me that what I was seeing hadn't happened yet, but it would happen, and she was happy about it, and for us being together. She scolded me for having waited so long before deciding to have something more with you." He sighed before continuing. "I told her I'd missed her and she said that I no longer needed her because I had you, and then she walked away. Since then I haven't dreamed about her again."

Stella sat as if paralyzed, her mouth half open.

"You-you said that you missed her?"

"Yes, why? It was only a dream"

Stella put her hand to her forehead and breathed deeply a few seconds; long enough for Mac to start panicking.

"Stella, are you okay?"

"Yes, yes, it's just ... Oh, Mac, do you know sometimes you speak in dreams?"

"So? Did I say something terrible?"

"That morning, when I woke up and you still were sleeping, I heard you… You said "_I missed you, Claire_"... And I drew my own conclusions. I thought you'd made love to me believing you were with Claire, and that was what you unconsciously wanted. God, I wanted to wake you there and then and demand an explanation... But instead of that I left and I wasn't even able to say goodbye." Tears streamed down her cheeks now. Mac leaned over to hug her and they spent a few minutes without talking.

"We could have saved a lot of trouble, it's true. But _shushhhh_, we're fine, we're together." Mac held her and rocked her gently, smiling before speaking.

"There was something else in the dream that I haven't told you. I don't want to scare you, but... the little girl was just about two years old, she was entirely a Taylor, and you were again..." while he spoke he put his hand on her protruding belly. "So maybe you should get used to the idea!" Stella, more animated, hit him with her elbow, her favorite lethal weapon since she had become less agile.

"So it really was your intention that I stay like a whale as long as possible?"

"We agreed you weren't a whale." Mac grinned. "We were going to call you a manatee, right?" The comment earned him another nudge in the ribs.

"We'll see," Stella said, looking at him with narrowed eyes. "We'll talk about it after I've given birth, and see if we want to repeat the experience."

Mac leaned to kiss her gently. "Agreed." Adding, "Do you realize that in just ten days it's Christmas?"

"We'll be home in time for the children's party, but I can't help you transport the tree this year."

Mac became thoughtful. "I couldn't imagine this time last year that only a year later we'd be so close to having our own family. I remember you said: _There's nothing like Christmas in New York._ This year will be the happiest of all. I hope my mother will come to visit us, do you mind?"

"Not only do I not mind, but I'd love it. I have a lot of things to ask her," Stella replied

"Like what?"

"Women's things which aren't your concern." She smirked and then became serious. "No, seriously, things like... The things I'd ask my mother, if she... About childbirth, caring for the baby and so on. When they're born, they're so delicate, I'm almost afraid I'll hurt her."

"She'll be happy you want to ask her, when I told her about the pregnancy, she was thrilled. The next day, she went to buy wool to start knitting. She will love this baby."

"Shouldn't we start thinking about names to call _this baby_, now that we have more certainty that she's a girl?"

"Well, my dream had been reinforced by a little inside information," Mac admitted, looking a little guilty.

"What do you mean?"

"I knew for sure she was a girl before I travelled to Athens"

"How?" Stella demanded.

"In the same way I knew your address, your weight, your blood pressure... all your medical records. And I saw the sonogram and the indication about the sex: _Female_. It was all in your file from Dr. Samaras' practice. Adam got into the network and I saw everything, including ultrasounds, I heard the sound of her little heart..." Stella looked at him, speechless.

"I don't know what to say. Of course, you're a hound, Mac Taylor"

"And for the name... Have you thought about something for Baby Taylor?" Mac asked her.

"Well, Maria asked me a few days ago what your mother's name was, Mac. Do you know why?"

"I don't, why?"

"The Greek family tradition says that the eldest son or eldest daughter is named after his or her paternal grandparents."

"And what do you think about that tradition?"

"I'd like to follow it."

"Emily, then?" Mac asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Emily, yes. I love it, I think it sounds good and it has a personality. Emily Taylor, after her grandmother. Perhaps Emily- _Something_ -Taylor, to be different."

"What about Athena? One of the goddesses, because my girl is going to be a goddess, and it's also a reminder of the city in which we have been so happy... and in which she has become almost a person."

"Athena! I like it. Emily Athena Taylor, not bad... But, Mac, we'll have to wait and see what your mother says. Perhaps she doesn't want the baby named after her."

Mac smiled openly.

"She will want it, I guarantee. At first, she'll say no, that the baby deserves a nice name... But she'll be happier than a dog with two tails, if I know her."

"A dog with two tails?"

"That's right." They both laughed.

Despite the hours spent in the flight, it didn't seem too long to them. Stella was afraid that her legs would swell because of the pressure, but everything went without a hitch. They had not notified anyone they were coming back because they wanted to surprise everyone with a visit to the lab.

New Yorkers had already lit their Christmas lights and the city sparkled even though the weather was cold and threatening snow. When they finally reached Mac's apartment, they dropped on the couch after turning the heat on. The jet lag had kicked in and though it was only mid-afternoon in New York, they wanted to sleep, as they should be doing if they were still in Athens. But before going to bed, Mac took Stella's hand and asked her to accompany him. When they reached the door opposite the master bedroom, where Stella knew Mac had a small office, she had a big surprise. There was no such office anymore; instead the room was the image of a bright, safe and happy place, a small paradise full of pink tulips. The crib, the rocking chair... They were Mac's, which she had seen in the attic of his home in Chicago! And the wooden horse in the middle of the room, the stuffed toy cat over the crib...

Stella hugged Mac, weeping with emotion. He didn't want to weep too, so he leaned to balance the wooden horse.

"Look, this is Charlie. He was my first great friend. Mom had cleaned and prepared him even before she knew he was going to have a new owner."

Stella stroked the mane, which remained soft despite its age.

"Hello, Charlie!"

"And Emily's first teddy was chosen by Lucy. She already knows how to say kitten, she's talking a lot."

The two stood there, hugging, looking into the room that would soon know the laughter and cries of its future owner, Emily Athena Taylor. Stella suddenly felt that the little one was giving her approval with a kick. The tears turned into laughter, also a signal of the happiness that they shared.

Mac looked at her, thinking he didn't deserve so much.

"Welcome home, Stella"

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><p><em>To be continued...<em>

_And the next one will be the end... _


	25. Chapter 25

_The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series._

Well, here we are, facing the final curtain in this story. I wish to thank all the readers, and especially those of you who took your time to send a review. That encourages a lot a writer to continue. I tried to answer every review, forgive me if I missed some of them.

And very particularly I'm grateful to Lily Moonlight for her help with the English version of this fic. Her suggestions and corrections did the story much better. She's more than a teacher, she's a master. Thanks, Lily.

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><p><em>I Can't Say Goodbye<em>

**Chapter 24**

The day after their return to New York, Mac and Stella felt rested enough and eager to see their friends, so they decided to make a visit to the CSI Lab. When the elevator doors opened on the 34th floor and they entered there hand in hand, the turmoil of the century was formed. Shouts and cries of joy followed them as they walked down the main corridor. Everyone seemed genuinely happy to see them, especially Stella, for whom they had so long yearned. And then... the size of her belly provoked the most authentic 'Wows' and 'Heys' wherever they went. The break room became a meeting place, full of hugs and kisses, laughter and toasts with coffee and milk.

Lindsay kept her arms around Stella all the time, as if trying to prevent her from escaping again. She only relaxed after Stella and Mac promised her that that night they would go dinner at the Messer's home, to see Lucy and spend time with all the family.

Later that day, when Mac and Stella were back home preparing to go to the Messers, Mac brought up a subject he was worried about... He cleared his throat not quite sure how to begin.

"Stella, you know tonight Danny and Lindsay are going to have a lot of questions..."

"Yeah, I guess," Stella laughed softly. "We have to explain a few details to them... But don't worry, Mac. They're our friends, right? Not that there's anything we have hide... They saw us that night, they knew how we were and how we'd been drinking. I'm sure they already drew a few conclusions, more or less accurate. Don't forget they're both top-notch detectives."

"Yeah, yeah, I didn't mean that part. I mean, they'll probably be wondering about our future plans." Mac took Stella's hand, looking at the engagement ring and showed it to her, raising the hand to her eyes, smiling. "They'll want to know when we'll get married, and you know with all the bustle of the move we haven't discussed that yet."

Stella sat down, suddenly thoughtful.

"I don't know, Mac, I'd like to wait until I recover my normal figure... I don't know what kind of wedding gown I'd need to fit me the size I am at the moment."

"You'll be the loveliest bride, no matter what size you are, how can you doubt that? But if that's what you want..." Stella, however, could not miss the subtle gesture of disappointment in Mac's eyes. She took his hand.

"What do you want, Mac? It's not only what I want, there are two of us in this... Well, almost three." The two smiled.

Mac spoke looking directly at Stella's eyes. "I want our marriage to be as soon as possible. I don't need a big ceremony or anything like that, only you with me forever." He scratched his head timidly before continuing. "Call me old fashioned, but I'd like to be married when our daughter is born. And I'd like our wedding to be the year before her birth, which means before the end of this year. I know, I know. I'm going too far with traditions."

Stella laughed.

"That's why I love you, silly. You like to do things in the proper way... Well, I also think that by doing what you propose could save us some questions from our daughter when she reaches that stage in life when kids start to question love, relationships and analyze our own." Both of them smiled at the thought of their baby reaching that stage. Stella continued.

"I don't need big ceremonies either, Mac, I only need you. We, our friends, your mother and that's all. We can have a wedding like Danny and Lindsay's and then go on to have lunch together." She stood up to look at the calendar that was on the table. "So, what do you think about the 27th? It wouldn't interfere with Christmas and your mother will be still here then."

Mac didn't let her finish. Hugging her, he kissed her with all his passion. When they finally parted, breathless, Stella continued, resting her forehead on Mac's.

"I gather that's okay then. The 27th it is. We have to fix the paperwork for that day. Mac... I have also to go to my doctor, see if Dr. Samaras sent my medical history to him, and then start with the childbirth classes... Mac! And we haven't bought any Christmas presents! I have to make a list..." Mac kissed her again with full force. When he released her, Stella had forgotten all concerns.

"Stay calm, OK? Everything will be perfect and you don't have to get anxious for anything, just enjoy life. Do you promise me?"

Stella took a deep breath.

"I promise."

_**Epilogue**_

February 13th

Mac hadn't thought Stella could be so strong. Yes, she was a trained woman, athletic, young and healthy, in the fullness of her life. But so much strength in her hand as to almost disintegrate his, reducing his fingers to ground grain, that he never would have believed. Yet with each contraction she squeezed his hand as her support for the superhuman strength she had to use to bring their daughter into the world. Mac suffered from her, with her. Everything had gone pretty fast, and Stella hadn't wanted any type of anaesthesia.

"Never again!" Stella had cried when the baby almost crowned on its way to the outside world. Mac had looked in panic to the gynaecologist, who had shaken his head, while he winked. The midwife, a sympathetic woman, had said:

"Don't worry, sir, all the women say that at this point... and most of them are back here in the same circumstances, not long after, crying "Never again."

Only three hours before they had reached the hospital, after Stella's water had broken and almost simultaneously she had felt the first contraction. It was now midnight and Mac hadn't had time to warn anyone that they were already in the hospital.

The next contraction and Stella's push made her daughter's head appear at last. A little more force and with the help of the midwife the baby had her shoulders out, followed quickly by the rest of the body, into the waiting hands. She immediately cried loudly.

"Hey, we have a new girl in the world! Born at 00.05 on February 14th."

Mac looked at Stella, still amazed, while a couple of tears ran down his cheeks without any shame at showing them. Stella was craning her neck as much as possible to see her daughter when the midwife put the baby on her. She couldn't avoid the tears as well. Both of them looked at the little one like they hadn't seen a baby before in their lives, and then they looked at each other, only to laugh as they wiped away their tears.

"She's beautiful!" Stella was able to articulate, stroking her daughter's back. Then, taking Mac's hand, she said "Happy Valentine's Day, Daddy!"

"So this was your gift? Happy Valentine's to you too." He bent to kiss her and then from that position, they looked at the sulky little face of their daughter, making funny faces which ended up again in a loud cry. The nurse took her then to finish the cleaning, vacuuming the rest of secretions that might obstruct her airway and making the first test. She didn't stop crying as she received her first bath and quickly the nurse put her in a diaper and a pink hat before wrapping her in the blanket to bring her back to her mother. The contact with Stella immediately calmed her down. The midwife smiled.

"We have a future _bel canto_ diva here, with this lung capacity it wouldn't surprise me..." They all laughed. "She's perfect, exactly four kilos and 53 cm tall, perhaps another option for her is to become a basketball player... or a top model. It seems incredible that the birth was so easy for such a big baby girl. Good job, Mrs. Taylor!"

Mac leaned over to kiss his two girls. He took a little time on Stella's lips as he muttered:

"I couldn't agree more... Good job, Mrs. Taylor"

_The End_

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><p><em>Again, thank you all. <em>


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